Bronwen's Off

About this blog

I am not sure if it is beginnings that cause me to freak out or the ends that has to pre-empt them. Either way, when things change, I freak out. It's a control thing, I am not alone in this, and you know who you are. You like hosting the party not being surprised with one. So, what I do is lie in bed at night often going through a massive list of all the possible outcomes of my life and then plan accordingly to make sure that if any of them start to happen I am armed and ready. With extensive forward planning, rationalisation and excel spread sheets I could take over the world. However now with reflection and after giving myself a large telling off, the lesson I have learnt over the last 10 years is that you can never be prepared, you are not in control and It's ok. So I am heading out. All the clichés in the world about this try to sum up the trepidation and the sudden drop of stepping out on a new journey. All the sayings, songs and poems try to capture that initial leap that has to be made and how it's both liberating for the individual but also the greatest risk that person has ever taken. Like falling in love. Its part very badly calculated decision making, part blind fumbling, but mainly it's instinct and instant gut reactions. Since I told people I plans a lot of people keep using the words 'brave' and 'courageous', they look at me with large eyes, full of whites and water. They look like they are being asked to follow me, to dive into the unknown and just by looking at me they are cursed to come to and they have to break their gaze with me before it's too late. They shift from one foot to another worried that I might, just by being stood by the, grab away from them their patterns and routines. We are creatures of habit, we love patterns. Patterns are safe and we know what will come next. Knowing what will come next is so comforting because we are all prepared for it and we know who it will make us feel and what is expected of us. Let's not rock the boat. Just raise the sail against the winds you know, set course by the same stars and drift on. What happens if you remove the navigating stars, step away from the maps and the ports you know? I am now going to find out, and don't worry you do not need to change one thing around you, but you can still come with me....are you ready to take this step with me? However, please remember I am not brave or courageous I'm just not scared to changing anymore. For me this all began when I was 21 and driving back from university and my dad, frowning hard, sat to my right, willing me not to move in with a boyfriend but to move home, save for 6 months and go travelling. Because I am my father's daughter I moved in with my boyfriend. The one thing I did do though was stick at it for only 6 months.

The same stubborn determination then meant I plunged into a career that kept me in the city for another 9 years. Over this time I laughed a lot and learnt even more. I loved and lost. I over spent on a daft scale, then saved hard. I made a stream of bad decision to being with, then I made a raft of really good ones. I made friends who I now can't live without and I stopped seeing friends I didn't really like. After all the drama and excitement and occasional stale boredom of my 20's behind me I am now taking dad's advice and I am off around the world until the money runs out. SO I could be back in a fortnight.