Trip Start Oct 30, 2007
107Trip End Ongoing
Map your own trip!
Show trip route
Where I stayed
This is my 44th year. Double four. Double heart. I’ve been 44 for nine months now and only today I’ve realized this numeric connection. But that’s not the only thing I realized today: I noticed that this year has been all about learning about self love. What I found to be the most important realization, however, is that at the age of 44...
... I’ve never learned how to love myself.
Oh, the pain such awareness brings up. Oh, the joy such pain contains...
Why am I here in Sinai?
Yes, this place is beautiful and there is much to enjoy here but there are plenty other places in this planet that are beautiful as well. So why am I ‘stuck’ here? I guess it is because this year I finally allowed my intuition (rather than my mind) to make my choices. And even though my mind kept on questioning my choice of location, I felt an inner instruction that this was my place. At least for now.
Reflecting on the past 9 months, it seems to me that the reason for being here is that here I have found a ‘refuge’ from stimulations, allowing me to see the inner workings of my mind. The barren desert, the soundless mountains, the mirror-like see, the ever-changing weather, all offered me a silent reflection of myself.
I did not like what I discovered.
My mind was full of blame. Of many attachments. So much depreciative interpretation of the present moment. So much dissatisfaction. Oh, the darkness...
Luckily, the same intuition that led me into seeing this darkness also guided me towards the light:
I started listening daily to Abraham-Hicks recordings, watching Louise Hay’s ‘You can heal your life’ movie about every other day, and as of recently, listening to Eckhart Tolle’s ‘A new Earth’. Through these sources of inspiration, I’ve been able to entertain alternatives to the contents of my mind.
I also started offering intuitive massages in which my intention (which I learned to keep to myself) was to connect that Anahata energy of unconditional love (whatever that might be). This turned out to be a powerful experience for me as I’m learning to allow my mind to surrender and my heart-intuition to flow. Recipients of the massages, often sharing with me that they experienced a strong sense of being loved flooding their bodies and minds, offered me confirmation that I was ‘ onto something”.
The clarity that these have offered me was my guiding light out of the traffic jams of my mind. As I began to experience my interactions with myself and others through a ‘no attachment/ no blame’ approach, knowing that my emotions are my own rather than the fault of another, I noticed an increased presence of serenity, generosity and humility in my way of being.
It seems like this 44th year of my life is the year of learning to open my heart. A year of letting go, of clearing up, of forgiving, of releasing debilitating beliefs. A year of opening up to love, of learning to accept, to welcome, to trust, to love. A year of lovingly learning to focus my attention on the brighter perspective of my reality. A year of learning to not only feel better, but also be re-introduced to certain emotions that I did not feel for a while, such as exhilaration, optimism, and exuberance.
Last month (April! - #4) a surge of creativity flooded over me resulting in over 30 poems/sutra-s. Here are four of them:
My only TRUTH is that
There Is Nothing Wrong:
That everything is possible and it is all love.
My only WORK is to
Let It In:
Clarity, Abundance, Well-Being
My only RESPONSIBILITY is to
I’m finding out
that “Love Thyself”
is the essence
of my purpose.
Who Am I?
Who Am I?
I Am Love:
That’s who I am.
Love breathes my whole being.
Knowing that every conflict
is an opportunity to find a release
of a debilitating belief,
I welcome them to my experience
and remind myself to choose
to end all conflicts
on the side of love.
A wondrous light guide and friend I met here in Sinai, Mollie Shanti, wrote in her good-bye note to me:
“May the pure light within you guide your way.”