NHL PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS (an abuse of this blog)

Trip Start Feb 22, 2007
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Trip End Aug 22, 2007


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Flag of Peru  ,
Wednesday, April 11, 2007

STEVE SAYS...

I haven´t been able to watch hockey for the past 2 months. Usually this would be difficult for me, but since the Bruins once again missed the playoffs, I´m just fine with it. However, I´m still in shock that Dave Lewis got a vote of confidence and will be back in Boston next year. He´s not exactly a master motivator. Even with his Hitler ´stache, he can´t seem to inspire Marco Sturm´s German ass. 


Anyway, since I have no idea what´s going on in the NHL, I´ve traveled to a remote Peruvian village in search of a Shaman who could tell me, and now you, who the eventual 2007 Stanley Cup champion will be. I would make the picks myself, but I´m scared I´d suffer the embarassment of being defeated by a monkey or something. Oh right, that happens every year on TSN.

So, I walk into a dark hut in the jungle. The shaman welcomes me, then takes a long sip of his Ayahuasca, a mind altering drug made from vines in the Amazon Rainforest. This allows him to enter a spiritual world where he can see visions and sometimes predict the future.

EAST

(1) Sabres vs (8) Islanders


Shaman: ¨I see a young man sobbing into his hands. Another chubbier red-headed man consoles this man and they both hug into the night.....and now, I see what appears to be a native american man putting the moves on Carol Alt.¨
Translation:  I can only assume the shaman saw Joe and Owen in a sad embrace after the Leafs were knocked out of the playoffs. The other vision is more obvious, but I don´t see Ted Nolan´s latest motivational tool working. 4-1 SABRES  




(2) Devils vs (7) Lightning

Shaman: ¨I do not care for this type of language. This is a very bad man.¨
Translation: That can only mean John Tortorella is dropping F-Bombs like only he can. The Fonz must be going down. 
4-2 DEVILS




(3) Thrashers vs (6) Rangers  


Shaman: ¨I see a happy fat man.¨
Me: ¨Hey, now.¨
Shaman: ¨No, not you, fatter and somehow, less intelligent.¨
Translation: Don Waddell is an idiot. Here´s a guy who for the U.S. Olympic team last year passed up Ryan Miller for the likes of Rick Dipietro (ughh), Robert Esche (what?) and I´m not kidding, John Grahame (no way). Inside sources also tell me he cast the movie Wild Hogs.  But he traded the farm for Tkachuk and Zhitnik and will be rewarded with a series win. A despondent Sean Avery will then spend the summer slapping around local orphans to get rid of his left-over aggression.   
4-3 THRASHERS


(4) Senators vs (5) Penguins

Shaman: ¨Oh, this is very sad indeed. I see an old man staring blankly at his cream of wheat as a nurse brings him medicine.¨
Translation: The most disappointing franchise in sports is in for a house cleaning this summer. Muckler moves into the Shady Pines retirement home while video coach Tim Pattyson sleeps his way to the top and takes over as GM. 4-3 PENGUINS



WEST

(1) Red Wings vs (8) Flames

Shaman: ¨This is odd, I don´t see a rink, I see a man selling women´s shoes. 
Translation: Jim Playfair returns to his old job at Lady Footlocker.  4-2 WINGS 



(2) Ducks vs (7) Wild
Shaman: (erupts into hearty chuckle)....¨In my village, we are allowed many wives. This is not so in your country?¨
Translation: Not in Edmonton at least. The Oilers loss is Anaheim´s gain. 4-2 DUCKS   







(3) Canucks vs (6 ) Stars

Shaman: (suddenly grabs his neck, drops to floor and does not get up. The shaman has tragically choked to death).
Translation: First he kills the Shaman, then Marty Turco will once again go on to kill his Stars in the postseason. 4-2 CANUCKS

(4) Predators vs (5) Sharks 

Shaman: (spits out blood, gets up on one knee and looks around before once again grabbing his neck and dropping for the final time).
Translation: Looks like Big Joe´s playoff woes will also continue. 4-3 PREDATORS   



2ND ROUND



With the shaman gone, I´m now forced to drink his magical potion (it´s actually the same shit Ed Belfour downed before getting thrown in the drunk tank) and I now start to have visions.




(1) Sabres vs (5) Penguins

Shaman Steve: ¨What is this? Sidney Crosby appears to be moving very sluggishly.¨ Translation: Crosby inevitably gets slowed down by too many hand-jobs from the NHL on TSN crew. Sid the Kid will have to wait another year. 4-2 SABRES


(2) Devils vs (3) Thrashers

Shaman Steve: ¨I see an unshaved fat man on a bar stool muttering something about losing his job as the bartender pours him another whiskey.¨
Translation: Claude Julien is officially put on suicide watch.
4-0 DEVILS


(1) Red Wings vs (4) Predators


Shaman Steve: ¨This whole concept is getting a bit old.  Isn´t this a travel blog?¨
Translation: In a match-up of the wonkiest groins in the league, Dominik Hasek´s outlasts Peter Forsberg´s. 4-3 WINGS


(2) Ducks vs (3) Canucks

Shaman Steve: ¨I see starving story editors when Anaheim wins yet another series, postponing Brian Burke´s inevitable return to TSN. When there´s no one to buy pizza, Big Show resorts to cannibalism and eats Dan Salem.¨
Translation: 4-2 DUCKS


3RD ROUND



(1) Sabres vs (2) Devils

Shaman Steve: ¨In a surprising move, Lou Lamoriello rehires Larry Robinson, then shockingly stabs him in chest to motivate his club. Lamoriello hides the murder weapon in the same place he stashed Alexander Mogilny.
Translation: 4-3 DEVILS  



(1) Red Wings vs (2) Ducks

Shaman Steve: The Todd Bertuzzi trade finally pays dividends when Bertuzzi beats Teemu Selanne into a coma. Insult is added to the injury when Selanne is in such bad shape that Vladimir Konstantitov is able to steal his wife. 
Translation: 4-1 WINGS


STANLEY CUP FINAL

(1) Wings vs (2) Devils

Shaman Steve:  I see Bob McKenzie finishing a meatball sub, wiping off his chin, then making the following point on air: "While everything was about how teams were built for the ¨New NHL¨ last year, a rematch of the the 1995 Stanley Cup Finals proves that the ¨New NHL¨ is very much the same as the old one.  It´s not the rules that dictate who wins and loses, but the managers who put these teams together and Lou Lamoriello and Ken Holland are two of the best in the game. For Sportscentre, I´m Bob McKenzie." (Camera stops rolling) ¨Did anyone see my milkshake...where´s my milkshake?¨
Translation:    WINGS WIN STANLEY CUP IN 6 GAMES

Dominik Hasek takes home the Conn Smythe Trophy....While watching in a nearby nursing home, John Muckler slams his bowl of cream of wheat to the floor in a fit of rage. The nursing staff has to put him down. He was 73 years old.
Slideshow Report as Spam

Comments

jamierhouse
jamierhouse on

Hey Buddy!
Nice finish with Muckler! hahah..Well done...

I am surprised that you pick Redwings though...I think the flames will knock them around and out skate them. Time will tell...

Plus Bertz is injured right now isn't he? Not that his slow as will make a difference...

Jamie

jamierhouse
jamierhouse on

Doh!
It just occured to me that you probably just made that prediction to set up the mackenzie and muckler jokes. nice.

Jamie

bigdaddysean
bigdaddysean on

Goddamn that was funny
I think you're back in first year rez form! And being the true hockey fan that I am, I scoured the Isles' roster for 10 minutes looking for 2 dudes named Joe and Owen. I will say your first Muckler shot looked suspiciously like the shot Andy took of Roger Nelson before he did those horrible things. By the way, am I the only one who's started thinking 'I wonder what Steve and Sara are up to' every time I get diarrhea?(and yes I know that means I'm asking that question 3-4 times a day)

mrsideburns
mrsideburns on

Another triumph!
I love your blogs, they're just so big... and red... Can't wait for the next explosive installment.

Somewhere there is a Colombian listening to Great Big Sea in headphones, sharpening his knife....

mrsideburns
mrsideburns on

one more thing
What the hell happened to Hector's hair?? Steve looks like Fabio in comparison (moreso than usual...).

griefrapids
griefrapids on

Well Steve
I've missed some hockey too but what I have seen is. Pen's are not ready this year for the big league...Fleury will have one more chance to win a game then ride the pine. Vancouver is cursed...Detroit now how to get it done. Calgary...is Calgary...Buffalo is amazing, Islanders...suck period, even Ryan couldn't give life to that lack luster team...you are better in Net...really. NY Rangers will get by this round but with only Jagr will get hurt. Penner is the future of Anaheim I think. Nash. and SJ is the series to watch it's in the air of who is going to win.

Keep up the good work.

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