Back in the cradle

Trip Start Jul 01, 2004
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Trip End Ongoing


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Saturday, January 21, 2006

What a curious year.
Same old shit same old shit same old shit... new shit... and new niceness... settling into a routine or running away again? I guess time will tell.
It's interesting how you can, for a few minutes, feel on top of the world and then have it swing back the other way for most of the time. It's sad that for me this usually is because of the way other people treat me. Am I not strong? Do I really care what other people think of me? Yes and no. I dream of little things, things other people take for granted and when these things seem within reach and are then taken back it just really hurts...

I'm back at my parents place, my old house, which will soon not be my house anymore. They are moving to a smaller place and so that means 25 years of my shit needs to be dealt with very quickly. I was unemotional and planning my stratagy. Must not have mother around - she will distract me and inquire too much and make it go very slow. Must try and figure out what to do with the Maximumrocknrolls and HaCs which I just couldn't bare throwing away. But I found some stuffed animals I haven't seen in a while. I put them on the "keep" pile and then realized the futility of this struggle-against-stuff if I didn't do it right. And it occurred to me that the house I spent 30 years living in and visiting would soon be gone. It will be the little things I miss - the patch of grass I grew my first (and last) snow peas, the juice pitcher lids my stingy father put in the ground to cover the underground sprinkler heads, the tiny folding chair I use to sit in with my grandparents, the 80's wallpaper in the basement, the bookshelf I use to raid to find picture books from the '50's, my mom's romance novels and the "How to Deal With Your Child on Drugs" book [which if you know me, and you'd better, you'd know how completely ridiculous this is]. But I'm forging ahead and sticking most things in the donation boxes. I know there will be a ton of paperwork I'll not know what to do with. Plus anything relating to books or film. Best try and keep unemotional about it. 3 people in my family have died from late november to late december. I have yet to deal with my emotions about this either...
I'm going back to ol' Columbia to work at True/False. I'm pretty excited. Then I'll head back to Toronto for the Inside Out fest. I might spend 3 months on Carla's couch if she can stand me. It'll be good to see the Missouri folks and good to hang out in Toronto again, knowing I have my cute little room to go back to in PDX. Unfortunately I'm getting even more paranoid about crossing the border. A guy in my favourite band, Canadian, had some trouble and it scared him enough that he is leaving in June. He was in the states for 7 years and now his life is going to totally shift. Because some moron, er bunch of morons, think he is a threat to the "american way of life" - because he lives with his friends/band mates and works really shitty jobs to pay rent. It's too bad he is leaving when I am returning. I think it would have been good to hang out with him. He was a figure from my past... let's say phase 3 (currently on phase 5)... and he might have been able to fill in some gaps to make me a better person. Not only that, the band will break up and thousands of punk rockers will want to stone him (I told him this). I've realized how important music is in my life. Even when I was scraping the bottom I would think "well, at least *blank* made this music that I love more than anything. I can put on this record or this one and be carried to a safer places..." It sure is interesting that I chose to move to PDX and in doing so have been able to see my favourite band a handful of times - something I'd never have been able to do if I'd been living somewhere else.
So it's funny to think that last year I didn't think things could be any worse, and they sort of got worse in some ways. I can only hope that this year finally swings me back in the other direction, for good - or at least a long while, and I can feel settled no matter where I am or where I'm living.
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