Cradle of Humankind

Trip Start May 25, 2005
1
46
351
Trip End Ongoing


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Flag of South Africa  ,
Tuesday, November 1, 2005

So, that feeling a deja vu hit me hard as I rounded the exit of the 'arrivals' door, scanning the crowd for the face I knew. There he is - Mark.

'Hi. Claire Geoghegan. Pleased to meet you!'

His faced cracked a smile. Well i'd been gone for nearly as long as he had known me - why not start all over again. But I soon realised that wouldn't be necessary.

The heat wrapped it's sticky furry arms around my chest. Bloody hell, who turned up the heating? I was soaking with sweat, and it's not even the summer yet. Help - I'm just not going to survive.

As we drove along the highway back towards Pretoria, I couldn't help but feel like it was a return home of sorts.

A return to the place I had nightmares about.
A return to the place where I always felt fear.
A return to the place where I have no mode of transport.
A return to the place where I would surely be mugged within feet of my door.
A return to the place where I didn't fit in.
A return to the place where no one said hello.
A return to the place where all the people at the corners did say hello...hello madam....madam....hello!
A return to the place controlled by locks and keys.
A return to the place where everyone always drives home.
A return to the place where no one likes to be alone.
A return to the place where everyone is married.
A return to the place that haunts my dreams.

Good grief. I just can't live me life like that anymore. I can't be so fearful of what may or may not happen. I can be aware. I can live better here. I can decide to work out how to function here. I can take back my insecurities.

And so I did/have. I am breathing again. I don't worry about every person I meet. I don't worry about every step I take. I don't worry that I am alone. I won't live with a fearful heart and a terrified brain.

And if I need help I will ask for it. That's not something to be shy about here. Some things are not designed to be done alone.

So welcome back to my consciousness Pretoria. I'm back and ready to explore and embrace your beautiful side. I'm stepping into a brilliant new shade.
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Comments

beerbellybuddah
beerbellybuddah on

To be so sure that a 'Brilliant new shade' is apt
One hopes the shade covering allows for a snippet or two of sunshine. Good piece re: reflection, direction and dual meanings of home.

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