The colonel has universal appeal.
Trip Start
May 29, 2007
1
10
Trip End
Jun 28, 2007
Lanzhou, China
Saturday, June 23, 2007
I forgot to mention something funny that happened when I got here from Xiahe. On the way to the hotel I saw a Chinese dude with pink hair, like Japan style or something. This was definitely the first time I've seen anything of the sort in the maybe 6 months total I've spent in China, so I pointed it out to the guy driving me, who I mentioned in my last post. He said, "That guy is clearly absorbing you foreigners' influence." It was clear he thought that was a bad development. I thought the guy looked alright, but the driver said he was so hard to look at that he nearly died as a result of the experience. Melodramatic.
I got some massages here in Lanzhou, mainly because there is fucking NOTHING to do here. The first one was Thai massage (not the happy ending kind, the real kind, which rules) and this tiny Chinese girl stretched me around and beat me up a little. The funny part was the music that was playing. Usually when you get a massage there is some kind of fruity world music playing, or some kind of twinkly hippie new age thing, but they played an album I can only guess was called "Gay Bouncy Euro Club Mix 2000 Yay!" It was like getting a massage to the tune of the Vengaboys' "We Like to Party" (see 2003 Six Flags commercials if you don't know what song I'm talking about). The worst part was when one of the songs had a sample that said, "I'm feeling horny." I could barely contain my laughter. Luckily I was the only one in the room that knew what it meant.
The next massage almost did come with a happy ending. I think I have finally learned that getting massages from dudes is always bad idea jeans. When I was in India a greasy, denim-clad Indian spent an hour trying to find a way to "accidentally" touch my boobs, last summer the guy who gave me a foot massage sang me a song and asked me to go sing karaoke and get drunk with him, and this time I'm pretty sure I was about to get proposed to or something. This dude for sure copped at least one feel, this after washing my arms and rubbing and blowing on my hands and staring me in the face. Then he put his hand on my left boob and asked me if he could rub them or something. I was like, "Do foreigners usually fall for that shit? Pass." It was really more funny than anything, but I've learned my lesson. I'm requesting females from now on.
KFC does chicken right in the minds of the Chinese. There is at least one KFC in every town of any size, and in this town of 2 million there are at least 4 that I've seen. There are no McDonald's, Pizza Huts, or any of the other foreign chains you see in the main cities, but KFC is, uh, all up in it in Lanzhou. I think I've figured it out. Chinese people like icons, and the colonel is a serious icon. They have a lot of chains here that feature some iconic figure's face on their signage and packaging, and that shit seems to go over well in a country known for plastering photos of Chairman Mao and such on every available surface. Plus the food is almost all deep fried. Everyone loves that. KFC has also clearly spent some time trying to figure out what the Chinese consumer wants, and the answer is disgusting little bean and egg pies, spicy wings, and strawberry soda with ice cream in it. I'm not mad about it, though, because after 4 weeks of noodles, rice, dumplings, and chilis, I can eat some mashed potatoes for breakfast once in awhile. Say whatever you want about me not being a real traveler for eating American fast food while abroad, but I dare you to eat Chinese breakfast food (look it up, it's gross) while staring the colonel in the face.
