Another Fear Conquered...
Trip Start Sep 28, 2011
63Trip End Nov 02, 2011
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Where I stayed
Annadin Female Hostel
After traversing my suspension bridge in Barsana, walking all around the Clock tower in Sighisoara, crossing the chasm at Poinari Fortress, and hiking to the top of Mt. Tampa, I was determined to overcome this fear of mine. Applying the logic taught to me by Istvan, I knew that if the ramparts had stood for hundreds of years without crumbling, they would certainly be able to withstand one Canadian girl's crossing.
Maja and I walked together to her work which was near St
On this day, I walked up to the bridge and without hesitation walked across it. I stood in the middle of the bridge in utter amazement at the difference in my outlook. I looked down at the funicular and felt absolutely no fear. I walked back and forth several times in amazement, to the amusement of several of the people standing there. I laughed aloud which I am sure made people think I had escaped from an institution of some sort.
Once again, I was skipping up the stairs to the Castle. How do you describe the joy you feel when you have overcome something which held you back your entire life? How do you contain all the joy that you feel at that precise moment? I got to the top of the stairs and went looking for my ramparts.
It took me a while to find them, as they were at the back of the castle and only accessible from a certain section of the castle. When I did find them, however, I was once again amazed as I stepped confidently on to the ramparts and walked all the way around with not one drop of fear in my blood. I was on exactly the same spot as before. Nothing in my environment had changed, but I had changed so much in three weeks that it truly felt like a miracle
Something happened to me that afternoon at the back of the Buda Castle. I physically felt something inside me snap. I could barely breathe as I made my way around the castle taking more pictures. I walked down the hill and kept walking. I walked for kilometers without even knowing where I was going, faster and faster, trying to outwalk my emotions.
I know the snap that I had felt was the last restraint in me disappearing. For so many years I had held so much in, restrained so much that I had become just a shell of a person, trying desperately to hide everything that was happening to me. I had wrapped myself tightly in rules, responsibility and restriction. I was so stuck in survival mode, that no joy was allowed to seep in to my being.
The law of physics states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. So after repressing all feeling, as much emotion as I could, when those restraints of fear were finally allowed to be destroyed, there was only one thing that could happen. Every bit of passion, love, feeling, emotion had no where to go but springing upwards. I was gulping air as I flew down that hill, and I had tears pouring down my face.
I had no one to talk to at that moment. Everyone I knew was still asleep except for Maja and Istvan. Maja was at work and Istvan was not an option, as our friendship did not extend to me blathering all over him about passion and restraints. I could just imagine the look of horror on any man's face if any woman started on that road
I knew I just had to calm myself down. At that moment, however, it was very difficult. The flood of emotion was causing the adrenalin to pump so hard in my veins that I think I could have climbed any mountain, lifted cars, done incredible things. I have NEVER felt such outpouring of emotion. I knew I was dangerous to myself at that moment, so just kept going.
I finally was able to calm down enough to head back to the hostel. I was exhausted. I had just gone through just about every emotion there is, and almost 20 years of those emotions. I had walked further than ever before. I was still feeling overwhelmed, but not to the point of running out and doing something crazy. I had been a little concerned as I stormed all over Budapest. Now I was still FEELING, but in a more balanced way. I knew, however, that nothing would ever be the same for me again...