Random thoughts

Trip Start Dec 28, 2004
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Flag of Thailand  , Phangnga,
Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I feel the need to write but I don't have anything particular on my mind. I’m not sure if that makes much sense but at the moment I sit alone in my bungalow and now that my life has slowed down a bit post IDC, I find myself missing IM quite a bit and feeling alone.  Pretty sucky I must say but there is not anything else that I can do on that front……all options have been expended and I am left without recourse.  I really need to start avoiding relationships because they really drag me down when they end.  I used to be impervious to this sort of shit but I have grown weak in my old age and find that my heart has become more brittle.  How the hell did this happen?  I’m supposed to be the guy who doesn’t care about much of anything as he traipses across Asia and yet somewhere along the line the emotional involvement with these crazy girls became too much for me.  I definitely need to take a year off from relationships because my current method of dating doesn’t seem to be working out all that well.

I finally got into the water for recreational purposes and had 2 nice dives on an old wreck that is about 30 minutes off the coast here.  It’s more of a debris field because it was completely torn apart by the tsunami but there is so much life in this area it is absolutely amazing.  I came across a few cuttle fish that were actually more curious then frightened so they were quite photogenic.  I think one out of my 15 pictures turned out pretty decent but that is the average ratio for underwater photography.  Thank god for digital cameras because I could not imagine being confined to only 24 exposures underwater.  Technology is great but they still need to work on the giant bulky scuba gear because I’m tired of lugging all of this stuff into the water…..it weighs a friggin ton.  At the end of the dive we ended up being surrounded by GIANT jelly fish and that was a little disconcerting but with a little care we were able to avoid any serious painful contact.

All of you who sent out congratulations to me on my IDC, I thank you and appreciate the well wishes.  I will have to wait until my return to the states for any sort of celebratory dinner or toast with the family but I am used to these sort of delays by now.  I am really hoping to skip Alaska this upcoming summer because I am just burnt out on the whole scene and I cannot see myself working for my last employer anytime soon.  You ever come across these people who see themselves as saintly but in reality they are just assholes and don’t realize it?  That is pretty much my last employer and I don’t want to go through another summer of that bullshit.  Maybe I can just ride out the low season in Indonesia or something.  I found a pretty awesome diving place in Indonesia and am starting to look into that option.  Man, if I could completely cut the states out of my life then I would be ecstatic.  I never look forward to re-entering that world and every year I have to spend 1/3 of my life engulfed in bullshit.  To be free of this would be an amazingly heavy weight off of my shoulders.

It’s strange, as I read over this blog over the years I realize that this is a sort of testimony of my life as I pass through this world both on the physical plane and on the temporal level as well.  I’m glad that people have the opportunity to get to know me on what I consider to be an intimate level.  My blog doesn’t always make sense as I have come to realize as I reread over the past years but I do make a valiant attempt at being as candid as possible.  It’s funny, I am online friends with one of the main administrators of this blog site and I was asking her why I am never on the "featured blog" section of the site and she asked the guy in charge of that particular part and he said that I swear too much and I’m kind of depressing.  Well I suppose that everything is not always happy go lucky in my blog but that is a true reflection of life in general and if I watered it down for mass consumption, what the hell would be the point in writing in the first place?

The world desires the happy ending or the chipper story that will lead directly into a happy ending but that is not true to life.  Let’s face it, most of us go through quite a bit of uncertainty, pain, guilt and even depression as we move forward in our lives.  Yes these emotions are interspaced by joy and love and unabashed happiness but to completely gloss over all of the negatives would be bullshitting ourselves and each other and to what point?  To put up the front that life is grand?  Sometimes people baffle me….I just don’t comprehend what peoples motivations are sometimes and I stand back amazed at the vanity.    

I’ll have to take some pictures of my current hacienda because it’s not too shabby.  Of course we have quite the animal collection out here what with all the chickens, dogs, bats, frogs and various creepy crawlies that I have yet to identify but these all just add to the atmosphere.  My bungalow is elevated about one story above the ground so I get a nice bird’s eye view of the goings on and when there is a tropical down pour I have a nice dry place to relax and listen to the rain.  The only complaint is that the ceiling beams are a little too high for a hammock and to be perfectly frank, hammocks are an integral part of my lifestyle.  Something must be done.

Well I think I may have run out of random things to talk about at the moment.  I sit here at 10:30 at night, hunched over my glowing laptop while in bed and nothing is coming to me.  I want to write but I am without direction or material.  I need to go have an adventure sometime soon and get myself into one of my patented crazy situations just to spice up the blog a bit.  The only downside to working here in khao lak is that you are a hostage to the season.  If you leave for a brief little vacation and are not available for work then the shops stop calling you and you don’t get any employment upon your return.  There are worse fates then to be at the beck and call of the dive shops I suppose but one of the only bright spots about not having IM around anymore is that traveling and moving around is a lot easier and I don’t have to worry about too many logistics but now that she is gone, I have planted my seasonal roots in khao lak.  All things considered, I would rather have IM hanging around and being a pain in my side but those days have passed me by.
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