Ponderings

Trip Start Dec 28, 2004
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Flag of Thailand  ,
Tuesday, May 16, 2006

whenever i speak about my time in prison people always say "man i couldnt do that" and the answer from me is always the same, "yes you could and you would if you had to". The secret to getting by day to day was the fact that you allowed prison to make up your entire world. your friends were in prison, your workouts, books, tv shows, habits and rituals were all part of your life in prison. you NEVER allowed yourself to think about your friends on the outside or your family and what they were doing. if it was a friday night and you were watching jay leno in your cell at 11pm you didnt think about all the cute girls in the bars at that very moment. you blocked it and suppressed it and ignored it. the only crack in the defenses was very rarely....probably about 7 or 8 times in the 3 years i was gone, I would experience these ultra realistic dreams of nothing in particular. just me and a few friends playing video games and drinking a beer, me and a few friends on a hike in a forest. just short snippets of surreal realism that would come out of nowhere to offer me a glimpse of what my life should be. totally immersed in this false world i would go about my business of living a normal life for a few minutes of my eternity locked away and right before the dream would end, somehow i would realize that it was just a dream, my mind projecting itself outside of the barbed wire fence and out of reach of the gun towers. i would mentally gasp in horror as i realized that i was in prison still and that this......fading.....was just a......awakening....dream. i would lie there in the middle of the night in my 8x12 cell feeling the need to sob in despair. my mind had let down the defenses and allowed the enemy in "memories". luckily for me i was still half asleep and i would drift back into oblivion numbing the pain until it was just a distant memory.

on the flip side of things....when i was released from prison, on very rare occasion, probably 10 or 12 in the last 5 years, i would have ultra realistic dreams that i was back in prison with a very hefty sentence looming before me. i remember one dream in particular where i went to breakfast and lunch and to the library all in the span of one dream. the feeling of having 12 or 15 years ahead of me was something i cannot describe and either is the feeling i would undergo when i awoke from these dreams. the feeling of relief and euphoria would be so strong that i would not be able to fall back asleep for hours afterwards, kept awake by the high of freedom. i write about these dreams because i was on a long bus ride last night with nothing to do but think and daydream and i realized i hadnt had a dream about being in prison since i started travelling. if nothing else my wanderings may have cured me of that and hopefully my troubled mind is finally at ease
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