They come in threes...

Trip Start Apr 29, 2006
1
53
70
Trip End Ongoing


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Flag of Chile  ,
Monday, December 11, 2006

Who needs baggage anyway?  You know when someone says "Yeah - but she's got lots of baggage" in the context of relationships, it's not a good thing - right?  I think LAN airlines is probably of the same philosophy.  Makes sense.  Baggage? Average.  Get rid of passengers' baggage?  Doing them a favour.  "Here at LAN, we provide the complete service, all designed for the greatest comfort and convenience to you - the passengers.  We know what is important to you.  If there's anything that we can do for you that will make your travelling better (say - like losing your fucking baggage), please do not hesitate to ask."  And a fine job they did.  Indeed, remarkably efficient - lost it even without any request.  For this loss I was compensated the handsome sum of US $30 - cash in hand - each dollar placed in my hand having me thinking if not shouting 'Living the Dream'.  $30.  In my hand.  20 kg of my back.  Who needs baggage anyway?
 
Me...
 
Fuck ups come in threes.  The lifting of my 20kg burden was no 3.  Previous instalments in the trilogy are the episodes I like to call 'Cancel that mother fucking plane' and 'Dude - where's my right rear tyre?'.  So it's 2am, and LAN decide not to fly us to Lima from Santiago.  Here's what the LAN representative had to say, or at least what I understood him to say given my limited Spanish:
"Attencion Signor y Signoras.  We're not flying you to Lima because we don't think you should.  Santiago is cool and Lima is shit.  Why the fuck would you want to go to Lima anyway?  It's dirty and depressing - you know they eat guinea pig?  Carn - you know what want to stay in Santiago.  We'll put you up in the Sheraton.  Ok?  Do it...
 
3am - we're on the way to the sheraton.  No one knows what is going on.  Anyone speak english?  Nup.  Packed into a mini-van, surrounded by 10 Chileans and Peruvians, I have a flashback to a similar ride in the Bolivian Highlands.  A quick check to make sure that there are no buses coming around the corner...  And then there's a pop from the right rear.  Brilliant.  Stranded.  3am.  Santiago freeway.  Living the dream...
 
So, to the Top 5.  Sheraton hey?  I don't know if I've ever stayed in a Sheraton before.  All the better as a dirty, impoverished, thong wearing backpacker.  Now, tell me if I'm out of line, but when you stay in a luxury hotel, what do you do?  You steal shit - right?  Surely?  All the more when you're a tired, lowly, budget traveller whose personal hyghience is constantly under question.  Well, exhausted and pissed off, I took this pasttime to a level beyond the norm.  Here are the top 5 things stolen from the Sheraton:
 
5.  The pen - the worst pen in the world.  Absolute piece of junk.  Really just trash.  Complete trash.  More what you would expect from a Hilton...
 
4.  Towel - standard inventory...
 
3.  Mini-bar.  No - not just the contents.  The bar.  I brought it on as hand luggage to Lima along with no 2...
 
2.  Big Fuck off Plasma TV - huge.  Bigger than Snags'.  With better bass.  High definition, built in CNN and ESPN tuners.  Later - sold to a Peruvian dude on the street for 3 alpacas...
 
1.  Yamaha CX 251 baby Grand Piano - if anyone wants to find me, I'm the chinese piano busker on the streets of Lima.  I do requests.  Request something - Do it...
 
I will, one day, make it to Machu Picchu...
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Comments

poochie
poochie on

Foxtel will drain us all of electricity
The fourth point of your Top 5, the one which relates to Snags' TV, is still relevant today - even more so than 4 years ago when it first arrived at the Good Doctor's Surgery. Speaking of Surgery, I hear there's been much in the way of nips/tucks of recent times.

Just to clear up a point which is often misunderstood. Foxtel, or more correctly the foxtel tuner which feeds your TV with such delicacies as Naked News and Scary Movie 1/2/3, DOES increase your power bill. Everyone knows that the amount of power required to display those LEDS is astronomical. All good Foxtel owners also understand that more of those said lights are displayed when you actually switch the unit OFF. I, for one, hope that you left the Foxtel unit on when you made a swift escape from that classy Sheraton suite....

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