Smacking into the Hurdle

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  Tegucigalpa, Honduras
Saturday, February 5, 2000

I am arriving at the midpoint of my time in Honduras. I understand my job. I am familiar with the areas of my work. I am able to complete a week with a group without running into too many unexpected events. However, a combination of things has illuminated a part of the reality of my life here that I had not been able to articulate prior. It is the simple fact that I lack community. Maybe it will be one of the most important lessons I draw from this experience, but for now it is the way I live in Honduras. Due to the nature of my job I have been unable to create and sustain relationships within which the interchange of thoughts, of love, and of time can take place. Most of a typical month is spent in the field with a team of volunteers with whom I will live for a week and then, more than likely, will never see again. My coworkers have schedules as frenetic as mine, meaning that the likelihood of spare time overlapping is slim. I spend all my time with people, but very rarely with people whom I know or who know me.
      As a consequence of all this I have decided that community must be a major facet of whatever comes next in my life. Whether that is the fellowship of one or two other people or a group of individuals sharing a common focus, I must find companionship. It was not until my most recent group that I realized this deficit. The group kept commenting on how amazing the bond of fellowship was amongst the people of the village of Corralitos. The people share work, meals, responsibilities, mistakes, and so many intangible bonds that in a week only the overall sense of their linkage can be felt. I envy that connection. I yearn for the communion that I had with my college roommates and friends. I desire to have people in my life again who see me day to day and challenge my life path by simply knowing who I am and who I want to be.
      I will never question whether this experience was the right decision for me-I know now that it has changed me forever. However, I am afraid that if this experience lasts too long, I may not be able to shake the habit of solitude. I pray that I am resilient enough to accept fellowship when it enters my life again. I hope that in the meantime I am accompanied in spirit by those whom I love.

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