Day 206: A Declaration of War
Trip Start Aug 24, 2005
21Trip End Jul 2006
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--Against "Creepy Clark"--
Number of Times Have Been Asked to Lunch By Creepy Clark (English Newspaper editor/sound board operator/teacher in English Department/creepy and weird Chinese man/wears bizarre Asian form of "do-rag" and large fake black guru glasses): 43,692,387
Number of Times Have Politely Refused/Made Excuses For Why Could Not Eat Lunch On Particular Day (Such as, "Thanks, but I'm REALLY behind in grading papers", "Oh, I'm so sorry, but actually I already have lunch plans with one of my students", or "That sounds really great, but I'd rather shoot myself in the foot and then walk 100 miles barefoot than eat lunch with you again"): 43,692,386
--Wish had never agreed to answer questions for "Ask Lilia" column in English newspaper as was forced to give up phone number and email address to creepy Clark.
--Wish had different sound-board operator in recording studio as do not enjoy sitting across from creepy Clark for four hours on Saturday and Sunday mornings and having him interrupt interesting and entertaining conversations with recording co-worker Brad during breaks.
--Wish had realized creepiness before agreeing to "newspaper lunch" in first place.
--Wish creepy Clark would realize that several months of conveniently being busy during lunch means would prefer not to have lunch with him again.
--Wish could stop being polite, but suffer from good upbringing and fear that saying "I think you're creepy Clark" will not best maintain inter-departmental relations.
--Also, do not want to explain to Clark what "creepy" means in case is new English vocabulary word.
--Against the Chinese "Man"--
1) Not Communist
1) Not Communist
4) Don't like to be pushed around
5) Not afraid of Chinese men
--Am in enemy territory in position to pass sensitive information on to impressionable enemy offspring in guise of "education".
--But do not have "guns".
--Realize is necessity in enemy territory when starting battles.
--Against the Rats--
Things That Have Now Flown Out At Me From Sitting Room Window:
2) Obviously steroidal bugs
4) Mammoth rats
--Average mass of "flying" living matter appeared to be diminishing, however, recently gathered data (namely, the addition of "mammoth rats" to the experimental list), has caused the average mass data to spike off the chart.
--Could not sleep last night as could hear said rats meeting at rendezvous point dubbed "The Wall".
--Wonder if can deter rats by playing Pink Floyd.
--Also could hear the clanking of armor and weaponry (generally referred to as "Rat Claws" or "Rat Toenails") as well as marching and potential combat in battlefield above (dubbed "Jones's Apartment").
--Wonder if Jones has surrendered to Rat Army, as have Commanders A. and F. Scott in former battlefield "The Scott's Apartment", or if is still attempting to retain occupation of battlefield "Jones's Apartment".
--Also wonder if rats will attempt to dig trenches in battlefield "Jones's Apartment".
--Also wonder, if said trenches are dug, whether rats will fall onto head as am sleeping.
--Contemplate usage of blockades (dubbed "steel wool") in suspected areas of potential battlefield entry, however, realize that such blockades have not completely deterred army from entering such battlefields as "Jones's Apartment", "Katie's Apartment", and "Becky's Apartment", and fear similar blockades in new potential battlefield "Lilia's Apartment" will yield similar results.
--Contemplate usage of booby traps (dubbed "Rat Traps"), however, realize rats may have quick reflexes and fear traps will simply cut off rat's tails. As much as I enjoy tell-tale red signs of wounded rats throughout apartment, fear inability to remove/dispose of such signs without the severe induction of gastric purging.
--Contemplate usage of chemical warfare (dubbed "Rat Poison"), however, realize that am unable to access rendezvous point "The Wall", and fear ability of rats to rendezvous before dying. Am quite certain that will not be able to sleep with smell of rotting rat army by head.
--At current juncture have not authorized means of combat. Hope will continue current occupation of new potential battlefield "Lilia's Apartment" without need of official declaration of war against rat army.
--However, if attacked, Rats Beware.