I think too much!
Trip Start May 16, 2011
203Trip End Jul 31, 2012
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What I did
A gallery trip this morning to see "Picasso's Picassos". Work he kept in his own possession, so I suppose, what he selected as his legacy. It was good exhibition. But is has left me thinking ...
Picasso's career spanned seven decades and they have managed to represent his life and career in 'periods' - Blue, Rose, expressionist, cubist, neoclassical, surrealist etc ... It's all very convenient hey? I wonder whether the normal person's life can be compartmentalised and split into periods in quiet the same way ... can my life?
My life is still young compared to PP's, but yes I can see 'periods'.
You have your childhood - we all start with that. Mine was happy and joyous, filled with laughter and fun. Plenty of love too. I was loved and felt loved.
The next period I don't remember so fondly. I'm learning who I am and not so successfully. I'm a loner, awkward in my skin, argumentative and stroppy. I must have been hell to live with!
I then become confident, adventurous and happier. I'm determined. I throw my heart and soul into living and all that I do. I'm passionate. I'm (slightly) bossy, taking control.
Then I'm back to being the young inexperienced one. Have lots to learn. I'm taking on the world and trying to find my place in it. It's tough. I'm lonely, yet have friends. I look confident but not sure I am.
I find love. I love with all my heart, lay it bare. Like a faithful dog. I receive love back. Life is exciting and promising. There is laughter. It's spontaneous and playful. I have it all at my feet. The world is open to me.
I loose in love, my heart is crushed. I'm sad, lost and in despair. I am alone. I'm fighting to keep my head. With no soul, no passion, no inclination. I'm in pain. On the brink looking into the dark. I am empty. It's an eternal fog.
In recovery I heal. Still I hide things from myself. An ostrich. Weighted down. The outside world think it's good. It's not. I'm still unhappy. Still lonely, yet not alone. Life is still a battle, dealing me knocks to test my reserve.
Then I'm me. I'm back. That happy child discovering, remembering who I am, what I like. I take the challenge. Brave and confident. I have belief in life again. Living, doing what I want. Contented, happy and relaxed. Laughing and smiling lots. I've found some joy.
So eight periods ... how many more?
This latest period is allowing me to learn and discover ... but what have I learnt so far?
I've learnt I love with an open heart. With my full heart. I lay it bare. I don't hide or guard it. It's free, willingly given, shared and worn on my sleeve. When things are great they are really great. I laugh and sing, skip and dance, smile and wink, am mischievous and fun. I'm young and carefree. I'm supportive and strong. I'm upbeat and positive.
I've learnt that when my heart does get hurt, it's crushed. I fall far and very hard. Knocked sideways. Wounded badly. Because I give so much, so easily, it hurts so much more. I wish ... because it's my heart, that I could be more guarded and cautious with it. But that's not me. It's not who I am.
I've learnt I'm like a coin, either one side or the other, with very little in between.
I've learnt I like being outdoors. Need colour. Need freedom - fresh air and to wander.
I've learnt I'm honest, speaking my mind. (Sometimes this isn't always a good thing and some mistake it as me being confrontational.)
I've learnt I'm a fighter. Always going it alone. That life is bloody hard work.
I've learnt that people feed off my positive energy and enthusiastic approach to life.
I've learnt I'm independent, but only because I know no other way and that this can scare some away.
I've learnt I work hard, am truly committed and see things through.
Oh and I've also learnt I think too much!!!
Yet I still don't know what I want ... other than to be the happy side of the coin. To love and feel love. I dare to dream this will come, yet am afraid it won't. I have glimpsed it, but never have it.
I've spent so long on the dark side of the coin, that surely it's not too much to ask for my dreams to now come true?