One Day at a Time
Trip Start
Sep 13, 2011
1
5
Trip End
Sep 14, 2012
Suncheon, South Jeolla, Korea Rep.
Monday, January 2, 2012
I wrote a whole blog and it seems so stupid when I read through it... talking about no more excuses and me and bla bla bla bla bla!! So I have deleted it and will start again... hopefully with a bit more insight!!
I have been an idiot, but I am reassured that I am just human!
Wonder how many people woke up yesterday morning thinking - Wow, this is just the way I want to start my New Year and how many people woke up thinking - Argggh... this is not how I wanted to start the new year and so I'm going to roll back over and sleep this first day away...!!
Mine was the second, and it wasn't supposed to be this way! I have great intentions most of the time but then I always follow my skin and the choice I think will make me feel good... which then it does for that tiny period of time but then I spend the rest of my time feeling bad about it! Great start eh?
I have never been a fan of New Years celebrations and never enjoyed celebrating it as many of you know for years we struggled with my fathers health and mothers health and even my own health, relationships and typically like many people New Years eve they are such an anti climax... I decided to stay here and keep it casual and relaxed but I drank too much, as usual...
< I could easily make an excuse here as to why I decided to drink too much... but then it's not really true, I had a choice...>
Basically...I don't know when to stop... and as some of you know I always get so angry with myself when I do this because I have got myself into pickles and always when I am under the influence. Judgement is distorted and the right decisions you could make are then not the ones you make because you are already no longer yourself you are you with no boundaries!!
I have made a decision today, that this is not how I want the rest of my 2012 to be and also the rest of my life.
Before I left home to come to Korea as some of you know but not many I decided to become a Christian and give my life to God and said a prayer which said, I will not knowingly do wrong...! At the time I felt it was too soon, I knew that Jesus was my saviour and I wanted to follow Him in my life but I still have so many loose ends that I hadn't wrapped up, addressed or acknowledged that I bought them with me into my Christian life rather than taking off that coat and putting on the new one.
I have been the worst Christian since I arrived here, well I keep beating myself up for everything I do wrong that I know would not please God. I feel so sad that I have displeased Him when I do things that eventually make me sad and so I know they make God sad.
I am so happy when I am praising and worshipping God and learning about Him. When I read about Jesus I become so alive and in love with him - but then I question myself with why I do things to hurt Him. Will He forgive me time and time again... sometimes I feel like I am just one mistake away! From Him leaving me.
I know though that God will not leave me, it is only me who will leave him and move away from Him and why would I want to do that to someone who loves me so much! So much more that even my mother loves me.
Today I woke up with a panic attack on my chest and I regularly have this feeling because I know I have done something that God would not be pleased with and so... I mustn't hurt him any more, I mustn't hurt myself the person who He made and who He is happy with - why am I making this relationship so hard.
As I have been told I am still a new immature Christian, I don't have the answers or even the knowledge of other Christians and so sometimes that makes me feel frustrated and stupid, but we aren't born and able to talk... we aren't born and just get up and walk and run it all takes time... i had to remind myself of this - just now...
Thursday, December 15One Day at a Time
LORD, I have called daily upon You; I have stretched out my hands to You.
Psalm 88:9b
Recommended Reading
Philippians 4:6-9Suppose you have a long glass tube the exact diameter of a marble, lying on its side, with openings at both ends. Presently, the tube contains exactly 100 black marbles filling the tube in single file from one end to the other. Your goal is to fill the tube with 100 white marbles, but you can remove only one black marble per day. How many days will it take to fill the tube with white marbles? Obviously, 100 days. As you push one new white marble in one end of the tube each day, a black marble will fall out of the tube on the opposite end. By the one-hundredth day--in with a white marble, out with a black--the tube will be full of white marbles.
Radio MessageCan you do the same with spiritual growth? Can your mind--the battlefield in spiritual warfare--be filled more and more with godly thoughts, driving out ungodly thoughts of fear, worry, and anxiety? Yes, but it won't happen overnight. Following Paul's admonition in Philippians 4:8-9 is a good place to begin by meditating daily on what is noble, just, pure, lovely, good, virtuous, and praiseworthy.
The more we fill our heart and mind with godly prayer and meditation, the less room there will be for worry.
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This has filled me with hope today as I face my day and allow the Holy Spirit to work in my life and not fight with the changes I want to make in my life by going by what my skin wants to do and what will feel good for just a short time - it's about looking to the bigger picture and I know that I want to make Jesus my King of 2012... I may have started not as I want to go on but there is always today to start making the changes and with God by my side I know that there is nothing that can happen today than God and I can not do together!!
