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  Hamdallaye, Agadez, Niger
Friday, October 29, 2010

I apologize for having so neglected my blog for the last month; my life in the interim can only be described as craziness. Generally I try to avoid making my blog posts journal entries cataloging the events of my life, instead I try to describe moments.  But, due to the craziness of the last two weeks, I am breaking my normal format.  It just feels dishonest to be sharing my life but to skip over the huge soul consuming events that have rocked my world these past two weeks.  This will be more personal and at some points pretty heavy, so if you don't know me personally it may or may not be less interesting than usual. 

                Thursday September 23 I was officially sworn in as an official Peace Corps volunteer.  At midnight the next day I boarded a plane back to the U.S. so I could be at the most beautiful and moving wedding I've attended to date, the wedding of my big sister Jessica and Cody.  To be honest, being back in the US was very strange.  I had expected to be weirded out by things like air conditioning and fresh fruit but those things all felt like I had never missed them, I had been living with those comforts for 22 years after all.  Instead, I was thrown off by the general hustle bustle and perceived business that we all seem to subscribe too.  Why are we always running around?  What are we afraid will happen if we just take out time and enjoy things, are we afraid we'll miss something?  Aren't we missing something by all this planning and going going going?  I know that my American self, most especially my student self, is the queen of planning and running around.  Somehow though, being back, it just struck a weird cord with me and I couldn't help but recoil.  I also think I felt guilty about not being in Niger, where I had committed to being and where my friends were navigating those first difficult days as official volunteers in their new towns.  Sorry Mom and Dad if I was awkward, I was really confused.   However, I was, as always, warmed by the love and safety of my family, my friends, and my home.

                 Once we headed to Fargo and I saw Jess Niger completely left my mind and my sisterly instincts to nurture and protect completely took over. After spending two days of catching up, choosing nail polish colors, decorating for the reception, giggling, and Jess and I sharing a room like when we were little I was absorbed in the Now of the weekend.  Lot of friends and family would ask me about Niger and it felt almost hard to remember that life which was less than a week in the past.  The sheer loveliness of the whole day was stunning.  Jessica literally glowed with happiness in her lacy white dress and pearls and Cody looked every bit his honest and respectable self in his red silk vest and his new cowboy hat.  The wedding was perfect, I cried during the whole service despite myself and even though I knew what I wanted to say I quivered like a leaf through my whole maid of honor speech from being rocked by emotions.

                The wedding was Saturday, we got back to MN late Sunday evening, and Monday morning I was to board a plane back to that other life.  Monday morning as I was frantically combing through my suitcases to make sure I had packed everything while my Dad was kindly empathizing about how hard it must be to navigate all the transitions I was going through and I had the break down I hadn't had before I left the first time.  At the end of training I had been so excited about my life in Niger and the work that lay ahead but after spending the weekend celebrating the happiness of our growing family, leaving felt like pulling my tongue off a metal pole in the middle of winter. 

                I had 30 hours of travel time to get my head back into the game and upon arrival in Niger my very tired self got right onto a bus to head to my new town where I promptly got into bed and passed out.  I spent the first day in my village cleaning and sleeping and generally nesting.  My second day I went to the high school and scheduled myself to start observing English classes, I ate lunch with two feisty Nigerien women who wanted to talk about the role of women in Niger, and I participated in an insanely intense game of volleyball with a group of local young people who play pickup games every night.  I felt like things were off to a very promising start.

                That night I am awoken at 12:30 by a call from our broken up training manager Tondi, who thinks of himself as our Nigerien Dad, informing me that one of the new volunteers I had just spent the last three months training with, Stephanie Chance, had died.  They didn't have any details but no crime was suspected.  I could hear in the background another staff member calling my friends to tell them the terrible news.  I asked Tondi how he was doing, he said not well.  The phone call ended and there I was, alone, with only a thin yellow bug net between me and the vast darkness that seemed to be closing in.  Stephanie had been only 26, healthy, and full of life.  During the Peace Corps application I was struggling to get medical clearance and I clearly remember telling my parents, "it's my body therefore it should be my choice what risks I take with it and I don't mind dying as long as I was doing something interesting."  My poor parents asked me to stop saying that, disturbed in knowing it was probably true.  I thought about that statement for hours that night, would I be willing to die in this place?  What are her parents thinking and feeling in receiving that phone call?  I never want my parents, who were still crisp in mind, to get that phone call.  I thought and thought and finally realized I am willing to die here.  I am not afraid of death, just what it will do to those I leave behind.  I have faith in the harmony of all things and I believe energy is never created or destroyed, it just changes form.   I know this because I am made of the same atoms as the worms, my friend, and the stars.  As for that non-physical stuff, I believe it existed before this body and will exist after because it is part of something much larger than this one life.  Therefore, all there is to do is to live and to change and to live. 

                All 29 remaining members of my training class along with Peace Corps friends and staff went to the capital for a very therapeutic weekend of services and grieving.  I took a lot of comfort in hearing that Stephanie's family wanted us to know they are happy Stephanie died being where she wanted to be and doing what she wanted to do.  After another emotional weekend I returned to my quiet home and found a note from Stephanie.  At the end of training we had all written each other notes of encouragement to help inspire us throughout our first month in ville and she wrote,

"Mackenzie,

You are one fo the most amazing, smart, and sweet person in our stage.  Your village is so lucky to have you. I am so excited to see you at IST!

<3. Steph."

 It reminded me that if we can remember to appreciate and love each other while we live, there is nothing to regret when we die, although I will still think of her often and miss knowing she is here.  A week later now, I am starting to recover from the physical and emotional exhaustion of the happiness or my sister's wedding and the sadness of Stephanie's death and I am trying to bring my mind back to building a life here in my new village.  Breath. 

Written October 13

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