Colombia and the culmination of a continent
Trip Start
May 01, 2010
1
8
11
Trip End
Oct 01, 2010
David, Panama
Friday, October 1, 2010
In this soon to be garble i aim to do justice to my last month in South America, my last month in Colombia! I need to dredge the information from myhead before time starts to steal all of those important little details, i am currently scrabbling through random pouches and pockets to find the scraps of paper that ive hastily recorded the last chapter of my life. A beer mat here and there, some notes on the backs of recepits, a business card or two! Im sure i can make sense of all this some how, my timer is ticking, so bare with me my friends this could be a mess.
I jumped out of ecuador with a slightly bitter taste in my mouth, the border officials tried to fuck me, but i escaped un penetrated, ready to take on the colombians in uniform. What was i expecting, hard hitting military types with clubs and guns...perhaps i would be shouted at through the tight weave of a rebel balaclava. Yet how naive of me to think so, how truely wrong i was to have such thoughts. The only thing i was confonted with was several massivley happy faces and questions of general intrigue. My details were recorded down by a pretty girl sitting behind a desk, who showed no sign of disgust or recoil at my sweaty smelly presence. Within 5 minutes and several handshakes later i was off, through the border onto the final leg to my half way point which was waiting for me at the carribean coast. Almost immediatley the road broke out into mountainous climbs with twists and turns the likes i had never seen on the Panamerican highway, the once bacon straight boredum had turned spaghetti letter excitement, i hadnt had so much fun since trying to spell profanities with my food all those years ago! The sun was out, and i was in the long awaited colombia heading towards my first port of call, the town of Popyan another beautiful white washed colonial marvel situated in the last few ups and downs of the andes, that by now i had almost spanned the entire length of. I stopped for lunch on one of the many mountain tope view spots and was swamped by the enitre family running te restaurant, wanting to find out any detail of my story, how fast the bike was, and who some of the girls names on the side of the bike referred to! After an hour of pigeon spanish, good food, happy faces, and a few more signatures on the bike i had the downhill jaunt into popoyan where i found myself clubbing with some good guys and supermodel ladies. The next day i had a task to get a map of clombia, i was going to be here a month and i needed to know where i was going, after much time spent searching the only place that sold decent maps was the police station. SO there i was in the heart of the pig pen being given friendly advice on good biking roads to take and good towns to see, i wasnt expecting that. After another night out with a french and a spainard i was set to leave for the next town on my route, i was riding for Cali, anything was possible.
After several excited military checkpoints, more smiles more handshakes, more signatures and more amazing roads i crusied into Cali and got immidiatley lost. The book of lies, aka the lonely planet had succeded in screwing me over on the map side of things, so once again i was parked on a pavement rotating the map in concentric 360 degree circles in a fained attempt to find out where i was. And after several passers by had given up with the map i was beginning to look without hope of ever getting anywhere in this city. but then a voice cut through all the traffic noise like a fart in a library saying something along the line of ´hey do you speak english´, to which i uselessly replied ´i am english, so il give it a shot. (by this point confusion had set in on all levels). The voice was coming from a guy on a scooter sitting at the traffic lights i was parked next to, This ghandiesque figure was carlos, and carlos wanted to help. We started by working out where i had to go on the map and he said he would take me to my hostel all i had to do was follow, but first we had to swing by somewhere for him to pick up some tickets for a concert! i was a ok with that so we set off through mid day traffic twisting through the bus and taxi mayhem of calis barrios: we rockeed up outside the ticket office and before i had even managed to tell him my name he had asked if i wanted tickets to go see what he was going to see; which was one of the largest andean pan flute bands ever; and they were playing that night in the towns largest theater: On a trip like this, one has to be a yes man, that day was no different...so fuck it i thought why not, il go and assult my ear drums listening to some pan music with a random colombian and his two sons, brother and mistress...wouldnt you? We made it to the hostal had a beer and i agreed to be picked up at 8, sod knows what this was going to be like i thought...day 3 in colombia. The night came, we rocked out to the sounds of 6 guys with perms blowing into radiator apparatus, but someho it worked, maybe it was the setting, or just the ramdomness, or the fact i was dacing around to stupid music with 2 funny little lads who later taught me some gnarly japanese cartoon card games, but the night was great. The next day carlos had invited me for lunch at his house to i could meet his wife and father and brother and cousins. Turns out he owened an ice cream business that sent out 30 icecream carts all across town. one of which i had a go on, but failed miserably to sell any icecream mostly because i was to busy chasing dogs and cars with my strawberry flavoured tricycle. Lunch was great, and after we took the bikes for a crusie as i needed a couple of parts...obviously, and for some reason we went scouting as he desperatley wanted to set me up with anywomen that we came acrosss. We parted ways in the afternooon and i crusied back to find this coffe shop that i had seen previously in the day, a swanky establishment where i felt like treating myself to the best espresso in town. Being slightly drunk at the time, possibly due to the bewilderment of the day so far, or the several beers i had consumed i rocked up onto the pavement skided to a stop and jumped over a wall to get the mentioned coffe,. This did promt some rather intrigued looks from the clientel of the place but none the less all friendly, i think seeing a red haired whiteman jump off a white bike covered in writing that had just ridden along the pavement caught peoples eyes somehow! Anyway i was apporached by a couple of lads who spoke very good english and wanted to know more of the beasts magical tale, so we sat and got wired on many espressos until about 7 where they then invited me to a very large party that was happening at a bar in town a bit later on. The yes man gene kicked in again and before i knew it iwas readying myself for a random colombian party in the posh part of town, i dug deep and found a failry pristeen shirt from the botom of my bag and i was ready. The Landcruiser turned up with the 2 lads in, turned out one owened the largest farm in colombia, the other was a chemical weapons specialist from peru who worked in Washington....random the people you meet.! First bar was like something i had never seen before in myrelativley short life, but i also doubt i will ever see it again in the long part i have left to live. It seemed to be the stomping ground for the rich and famous of cali, who to us were probably as famous as bill and ben the flower pot mens stunt doubles, but that didnt matter, god dammit they were all the most beautiful perosns i had ever seen and still have ever seen to this point. The ukranian crown has been taken. The chemical weapons guy ordered a 200 dollar bottle of 24 year old rum that came with cristal glasses and on a tab that i was not allowed to pay for. We sat got very drunk and absorbed what mesmerising scenes that lay before us. The night continued on the same vain, and ended in a hazy crazy drunken stupour with myself being driven home by a more than lovely supermodel. However the drive home was all i could really hack at that point in time, the next day was possible, but father time was striking that same monotonous count down again, and he waits for no man, i had to be on the road again.
Carlos had told me about this river that i could trip out to on the bike that was meant to be fantastic so i decided to heed advice and go check it out, it was about 2 hours away, a nice ride, and there was a twist the river could only be accessed by a railway that instead of trains, had scooters attatched to milk palates where the tyre acted as the engine.....very wierd kind of sketchy but rather good fun! Was slightly worried about being the only white person ring intoo this area on a white motorcycle wwhen the whole province was only populated by the darkest of dark afro carribean s, who were all very large and slightly angry looking! After thinking i was going to machetteed several times the fatal blow severing one of my limbs never came, i escaped this slightly twisted time warp with body intact, the river was a river but the whole experience definatley tickled that excitement hormone that causes the heart to race like the moments after you drop the soap in a prison shower just before it hits the ground. I said my fairwells to carlos, and left jeremy my australian room mate to deal with a wanker of an israeli at the hostael who acused me of looking at his private shit when he was on a communal computer looking at youtube, after i told him youtube was actually possible to be viewed by milions of people across the world the atmosphere turned somehwat stale, amused i packed up and awited sunrise.
Medellin was next on the cards, a good 500 km jaunt from Cali, easily possible in a day,. However after the first hour of being on the road the sky fell in, i was soaked through to the gonads within seconds, no hiding, but once your wet your wet, one cannot get any wetter , ride around it, or wait it out, so i pused on. 3 more hours it rained...i was done, i weighed a ton due to the waterlogged nature of my enitre outfit, the roads where dnagerous as fuck, so it was time to acall it quits, so i kept saying to myself right the next hotel im stopping, the next one! but every next one looked like it could contain the ass to ass scene at the end of requim for a dream, not something i wanted to come across in the state that i was in at the time.. So more i pushed on, but enough was enough i saw a sign for a hacienda which i assumed could be a hotel so i followed it, up a hill off the beaten track to what turned oout to be a coffee plantation, and a hacienda where you could walk around and see the whole process of coffee production from seed to plant to cup, and taste what was grown just meters from my beautiful bedroom. a great end to a shit day, playing colombian turbo 4 ball pool in the dry with a swiss couple and a bottle of rum.....i can just get to medellin tomorrow.
jesus there is a lot to write in this exert, my fingures are hurting, i think i have wankers elbow, or repetative strain injury or some such dehabilitating ailment.
After a bit more rain, more wet undwerwear i made it to medelling, the mahussive urban sprwal that stretches far but not so wide as its contained within a valley. once agian like a dog without a nose i was lost, no idea where theh hostal was, so i took refuge in the glorious floodlight of a near by petrol station to asess my situation. But then just as before, i was being beckoned by a chap in a car telling me that he too had once had the same bike as me and was amazed to see one still kicikng about. We chatted and i told him of my predicament of having no fucking clue as to where i was at that moment in time, he then offered to show me to my hostal but first he had to cancel a meeting he was going to....strange i thought but he was having none of my protests so off we went, me following his car to my bed for the night....this was all going swimmingly until the bike died on a roundabout and could not be revived. We tried everything, but it would go, Jamie, my new helpful friend calle dhis mechanic buddies to come and help out but it was just not starting, defintaley a fuel and electrical problem but we decided to park it up and leave it til the morning where we would take it to a specialist. Little did i know i was to be stranded a week herer with problem after problem going wron gon the bike, a new clutch, a new cam chain and several other bits and bobs.! But as i now write to you from Panama, you must have guesed that problems were soloved as they always are and that mechanical parts will always turn and they have. This week did give me a good chance to fully explore and get to know a city. I had been introuduced to jamies biking possy, and was taken out to dinner, then on a huge night out on some guys birthday where fire water was flowing from the taps. Ended back at a cool apartment with the lads, and a great gal who real fun to be shown around by, she did have a 8 year old daughter but didnt stop us becoming good pals, to the point where on oone of the days she invited me swimming with her and her sister at her aunts house, where the aunt turned out to be a weed smoking crazy lady with a very aamusing little dog who i almost kicked off a balcony. women and gossiping certainly does transend international barriers.
AS i was still bikeless the group of guys said that they would take me to the small town about an hour from medellin that i had wanted to go to but couldnt get to, so we had 3 bikes and 5 people, i was slightly emasculated by having to go on the back like a miniskirt wearing groupie, however it was fun none the less, and now has given me insight as to what it is like when some of you lovely people trust me and clamber abord my noble steed.....another good day, another good ride, more good people! Colombia...what a fucking place.
sightseeing over, ( oh yes by the way medellin uses a cable car as a metro...just a side note), finally the bike was done, primary problems fixed, which created secondary problems, which will lead to tertiary problems no doubt! out of the mechanic, bank balance damaged, time frame damaged i was free to leave, on the vow that i will at all costs avoid returning to more mechanics before the end of my trip, they fix one thing but break another..
so i left, first stop Guatape, a maze of interconnecting lakes not to far from medellin, a beautiful spot, nice place to crash away from the city bustle i had had for the past week, and there was a crazy rock to climb with 500 odd steps and spectacular views. The next part of the journey was unknown i had to make a stop at a certain persons abode in the countryside, introduced into the public eye a few years ago, hacienda Napoles formerly Pablo Escobars house that he lived in and ran his business from for many years was a must see on my list, and en route in the rough direction i wanted to travel. I stopped off and got to ride around the estate pretty much free exploring the largest drug baron to ever exists private home. He clearly was a ibit of a nutter, not only for supplying coke to the whole world, but he also built lots of fiber glass dinosaures of huge sizes all around his garded that played dinosaur noises from speakers hidden in the bushes, he also had many animals including free roaming hippos to leapords, and lots of cool toys such as hovercrafts and racing renault 4´s. After wondering around his bedroom and seeing the shower where he probably rinised his large bulk i needed to get back on the road, a great experiences, made better by the fact i was the only visitor, thisngs seem so much more surreal when one explores alone. I continued onwards knowing in the back of my mind that the destination i had set myself for the evening was far out of reach, i was taking it easy too as i had found a fresh oil leak and had just ran out of petrol, using all the reserve tank too. Luckily i was just reaching the top of a mountain when it had happened, so i was able to turn around and free wheel alll the way down to the bottom and find a gas station. Its quite strange doing 50 miles an hour without any noise. Night was apporaching fast, no destination in sight and no idea where next i could find a place to crash, once again map check at a petrol station, these definatley seem to be the pplaces to be found by helpful people, and low and behold there i was, and there to was a retired year old german fellow called Wolfgang with his wife who just happened to be passing. we Chatted and they ended up insisting that i dont carry on, and that i go stay not only at their house, but in their spare guest house on their own private hill in the jungle side. Too good to be true, it was just too good, and too true! truely lovely people whos kindness shall be remembered for a very long time to come! makes one wonder if people would be willing to do the same in our country, somehow i doubt it, if an ethiopian guy jumped off a lama outside your house would you invite hime to stay........no neither would i, but now maybe i would think twice. After a epic dinner and amusing myself with a pet toucan i retired to my house knowing that the couple had to leave very earlyin the morning, however they had given me a set of keys and all the ingredients i needed to make a breakfast suited for landed gentry. keys posted thankyou note left i was underway towards villa de leyva, the town that time happened to forget. Arriving it was live a scence from a dusty old film, sleepy town, large square cobbled streets! I had a beer and lasagna and found myself a hotel to crash for the night, i was woken up by a massive rainstorm and decided that it was wise to go for a stroll with an umbrella that i had aquired. Street lanterns, horses and carts, thunder and lightning...the place cant have changed in hundreds of years and is all the better for it.
Ok so i think im going to tell this tall tale in two parts as right now i have the feeling that im hemorhagging internally, and that quite possibly my eyes have turned to useless non functioning cuboides devoid of all purpose.
So this is food for thought for you all as the summer winds down back in the UK, I hope it has raised mild interest in your hearts, and that you werent hoping i had fallen off the map for the last month or so, whilst the rebels were using me as a soggy sex toy! I shall complete the article in the next fw days to bring you up to speed, but right now i have under 10 days to get to a much awaited rendevous in guetamala.....and its 2500 km that way
You are loved x
Comments
Hi Josh,
... hope you´re well. Keep on ....