Sitting in my best friend's room

Trip Start May 11, 2009
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Trip End Ongoing


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Flag of United States  , Pennsylvania
Wednesday, May 6, 2009

I sit in a dimly lit room, watching my best friend Brittany sing. Her long, index finger strums up and down the strings of her acoustic guitar. Back against the wall, she is seated on her dog's pillow bed.
"This is not the last time I'll have to say 'Sorry that you love me, I'm a Freudian case."

I will leave in five days for Kona, HI. Aki will pick me up in the puttering Silver Bullet and take me back to the hostel, like I never left. We will laugh, there will be sunshine. The ignorance of cruise line tourism will get to me fast and beat out my will for relaxing on white sand with a good book.


 I will catch the 6 am Hele-On Bus and solemnly stare out the grey tinted windows at the south of the island passing by. Memories will flash and I will be grateful I am alive. Sooner than I'd like, I'll be dropped off at Hilo where the splashing blue bay will greet me like a friend. And soon enough I will be back in the Wa'a Wa'a jungle, surrounded by the quiet bamboos trees whispering in the breeze, the call of the ever-multiplying coquis, the meows of Panther emerging from the forest, and the warm love from Adele. The recycled wood of my in-construction-cabin will envelop me as it always does and soothe all the questions away.



I will focus on projects like building an outdoor sink from the second gutter, finishing the closet with shelves and doors, landscaping the walkway, painting the inside, and finishing the floor. Adele and I will eat deliciously (jungle coconuts, bananas, avocados, fresh greens from Milk & Honey Farm, organic grains from Island Naturals). We will catch up, do yoga, and swim in the Mermaid Ponds.



 And soon enough I will be flying again, now into the unknown of Tokyo. Into the land of Japan, oh so foreign. Passing through immigration with a smile and a story of a money-spending tourist without a return ticket to home (where?), getting on a bus and riding out to a farm near Mt Fuji. My cousin Jacob will welcome me. His farm will welcome me.
The sky, the ground will be different but the feeling is always the same.

But today I lose myself in the grandness of options. My ambition for life sometimes overwhelms me and after over 20 years of having my life scheduled by educational insitutions, I can find myself obsessively and compulsively daydreaming about who I will become and what I will be doing. The endless bounty of opportunity is the biggest gift and I try not to fear it.
But last night I could not sleep. What after Japan?
Will I keep traveling?
To South Korea to visit Will and Kate? Busy cities, foreign languages, hot apartment buildings.. I imagine lots of smelly fish markets!
To Australia or New Zealand to keep WWOOFing with Brittany? Like Hawaii all over again, but this time with knowledge and experience..
Back to Hilo to teach, work, and play? I could start teaching elementary school, buy a truck, and learn to surf.. keep fixing up my cabin, grow and learn..
To Peru to backpack with Heather? Random but possible.
or home? To live with my beloved parents, get a productive job in the city, and battle the trapped ways of the suburbs? (if I get tailgated by another roadrager in a gas-guzzling, planet-destroying SUV Hummer or watch someone mow my lawn on a diagonal while spraying pesticides or be forced to buy produce shipped from California or Mexico anymore I will freak out and start a television-smashing revolution with Britt... seriously watch out Yardley...)

So my head gets ahead of me.
And why do I question my path.. Why try to look beyond today into the blank face of oblivion and ask for description? Are these yearnings the tidal waves before my moon, my ovaries needing security and structure? Is it my vulnerable heart, afraid of surprising answers? Or my life of socialization to plan ahead, conform, and find rightness in the molding?

I listen to the calling of Brittany's voice across the small, orange bedroom. We search for the same and I listen to her advice when she tells me the world is my oyster and it is calling my name.

Slideshow Report as Spam
Where I stayed
at home (for now)

Comments

windyspree
windyspree on

hi from Yardleyville
I enjoyed reading your musings on your future, and on life in general. Yes, it is your job now, to figure it out.
I remember reading Siddartha after college, and the strong pull of finding the meaning of life. I struggled with working on these issues for a while, stumbling on a few answers, eventually putting these wranglings aside, and just lived.

Enjoy your journey. It is not meant to be easy. If we are lucky, it takes us on twists and turns that help us to steer ourselves in the right direction. The steering is the key to your path.

All my love, Windyspree.

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