Xian (Inner crisis)

Trip Start Oct 18, 2006
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Trip End ??? ??, 2008


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Saturday, May 19, 2007

Xian (Inner crisis)

So the prayer time was really uncomfortable. A serious prayer session like that leaves me alienated and uncomfortable. Matt told me when I left Edmonton to 'go with God'. I have done nothing of the sort. The entire trip has been a slow decline in this relationship, to the point of near-nihilism. Then, assuming that I was a happy and committed Christian, and expecting me to be right before God, that simply put me off for a few days. I realize how important this faith is in relationships, and my own sensitivity to the issue has caused me to see how far I am drifting not only from God, but from my friends and family as a consequence. And so, I endangered the trip by reacting badly and not really talking much on the train to Xian. Luckily, I got over myself and once more overlooked my fickleness in the relationship arena. I mean, just because you are becoming a heathen doesn't mean your friends should abhor you and withdraw does it? Certainly, there are biblical and practical reasons for doing so. Doe this mean I should pretend? Should I fake it, or be honest and risk losing the most important people in my life? Will my family reject my change? Do I even want this change? Does this mean I give up on all hope for the future and afterlife? Certainly very powerful questions, ones that impel one to believe claptrap for the sake of comfortability. To take Christianity in an entirely incorrect light. I mean, this is the lowest I have dipped, and it means I either rebound with the most profound understanding of my faith possible, or it means I stay in the abyss, perhaps latch onto the Dionysian to 'take me out'. Does the coming over mean that I take a humanistic faith instead, a more intellectually-masturbating faith in the man made, or does it truly mean that I become free of the false conceptions and comfortabilites that faith give us? I am and have been on the fence for so long, splitting my head with all thoughts of my faith, other faiths, other non-faiths, beliefs, non-beliefs, that now, this critical moment where it comes down to important, tangible, relationships, I am forced to confront all of my hopes and fears of the last year.

So this entirety of thought, of the struggle of my faith, the losing of my religion, comes down to this one moment, and it puts me off and endangers my friendships in this critical moment. This is the headspace into which I enter Xian, a beautiful and ornate city, flourished with an amazing wall, a neon nightlife, bell towers and clay soldiers. My head clouds, and as usual, I push aside the dark thoughts of my existence, almost heroically, to be in the moment and be with my friends, to experience this city.

And so it is. A beautiful place where Chuck and I have nighttime excursions to take amazing bulb exposure photos, and where we all visit the remnants of the Qin Dynasty. We are enthralled with this place, and do the tourist thing, after having paved our own way through the Northwest. We have executive-class pizza hut pizza, and sing Karaoke (A lifetime first for me! Yay for overcoming one's fears!). We also leave too soon, heading by train for Datong.

Push aside your heavy moments quickly, and life is wonderful.
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