The day I almost lost it all

Trip Start Aug 20, 2009
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Flag of Thailand  , TH.40,
Sunday, November 29, 2009

I wake up this morning with that awful awful feeling I think I have only had a few times in my life before...my stomach hurts, I feel sick and I have a banging headache. How much of this is down to illness and how much is a result of the happenings of last night I am not sure...but what I do know is that is Pete isn't back soon then I am leaving. I have done all I can, I have put myself in a situation that went against all my morals to protect his own safety and upon waking up this morning I have realised I can't sacrifice who I am for anyone, not even Pete.

I came travelling on my own and going it alone again doesn't phase me in the slighest. Being alone in a foreign country, with a very different culture, where no one speaks English is what I thrive on. I love an adventure. I love living on the wild side and I love the freedom which travelling alone gives me. I can literally wake up one morning and decide I am going to a whole new country on an 86 pence train and no-one knows where I am or what I am doing. It's just me against the world.

I am brought back down to earth with a bump when there is knock at the door. For a split second I think it could be Pete and then I hear the voice shout 'Housekeeping'. Sitting on the bed, I am suddeenly awash with sickness. Crawling back under the covers I attempt to add to my mere one and a half hours sleep I have had and when I do dose off I dream, dream that Pete is back and this whole situation is just a very bad nightmare...but when I awake and look over at the other side of the bed...nothing. I look at the shelf and I can see all the wet money which Pete has left out to dry lying there beside his hair gel, WHERE THE FUCK IS HE??

Of course I am worried, but at the same time I know I have done all I can do and I feel unbelievably let down. It's not like being in a relationship whereby you fall out with each other and one wanders off. This is different. Pete is my best friend, not a boyfriend who will undoubtedly fill a space of time in my life and then be exchanged for a new model. Perhaps wrongly, I assumed that we would always have each other, we would always be best friends and that we would always fight each others corner. Now I am doubting all of this. It's hard and it hurts. Actions speak louder than words and last night Pete's action spoke a million words.

I get up and showered and head down stairs to pick up our washing. Walking past the travel agent I am suddenly lured inside. Before I know it I am sitting down at a desk enquiring about my Vietnam visa. This is it. I am off. I leave my details with the friendly woman behind the counter and she begins to look into how soon my visa application could be processed and I pop to the internet cafe to check flights. Yes!! There is a flight tonight to Vietnam...

Eventually making my way to the laundry place I am told that I can only collect the washing which I put under my name and not the other half which is under the name of Pete Stark. This causes a half hour heated discussion which results in me saying 'well I don't know where the fuck he is...' but to no avail and no washing!!

Back upstairs I pack up my life and sort through the washing. 'What am I going to do about all the other clothes?' I think to myself. Deciding I'll try to talk the laundry ladies into handing it over later...I head off for a walk in the hot muggy afternoon sun. Sitting down on a dusty step at the side of the main road I light up a cigarette, and then another.

I head back to the room and STILL no sign of Pete. It's now well into the afternoon and I decide that if he is't back by 6pm then I will contact the police upon my departure from Bangkok. Then...there is a knock at the door. PETE!! No just a woman telling me check out was hours ago and that if I am staying I have to pay for another night!! Oh for fuck's sake...so now I have to pay for Pete to stay here another night or be kicked out!!

I attempt to get the washing once more but to no avail. Still no word on the Vietnam visa, I decide that I will wait till just before 6pm to see if Pete gets back, and can therefore pick up the washing, and if not I will just leave without my clothes.

Crawling back into bed I doze off and then there is another knock at the door. I ignore it, I have paid another night, I have told them I don't want the room cleaned...what now?? The door knocks again and then I hear a quiet muffled 'Haaaaaaaaan'. Adrenalin rushing through my body I get up and open the door. I take one look at Pete and then get back into bed. Pete sits down on the edge of the bed and I shut my eyes. I'm ot interested in what he has to say but inside I am glad he is ok. He goes for a shower and then comes back through and says 'I know sorry isn't good enough but...' and before he can even finish what he is saying I tell him that it isn't good enough but he's alive and that's what counts. Completely uninterested in anything he could possibly have to say I plug my Ipod in lie down. Upon hearing the door shut I get up and have a shower before heading to Subway. I haven't had a Subway in Asia before as the local cuisine is so delicious but today there is nothing else which will suffice.

Sitting eating the weirdest Subway I have ever munched on, I look out onto Khao San Road and suddenly feel sad. There is no way that I am going to let someone ruin my memories of this place.

Back at the hotelI go upstairs and Pete is sitting on the bed with a forlorn look on his face and rosy red cheeks. I look at him. I have nothing to say. I root through the elusive bag of washing and pack the remainder of my stuff and then sit down on the bed. 'Are you leaving?' Pete asks. I tell him I am awaiting info on my Vietnam visa. Pete comes over to my side of the bed and sits down, putting his arms around my shoulder. Tears streaming down my face I bury my face in his armpit and he begins to talk. I listen but I still have nothing to say. I pull my head back and look at him. Tears welling up in his eyes I suddenly feel compelled to wrap my arms around his neck. I hate seeing other people upset and especially people I care about. Embracing, we share a moment of sadness and then I tell Pete to forget about it. I don't want him to be upset but I still want to leave for Vietnam so I get up off his lap and head downstairs. Bad news. i can't get my visa today.

Upstairs in the room, Pete and I chat more and I tell him exactly how I feel and he tells me that he is so unbelievably sorry and it is the first time he has cried in years and years. Knowing that I can't leave for Vietnam, my barriers are removed and we have a massive heart to heart. Pete is the most special person in my life and I don't want to lose him but I just don't take shit from anyone anymore. Life is too short. I have seen so many amazing things on my travels and had wonderful experiences and I have changed, a lot. I know how much I have in my life and through various heartbreaking situtations I have been in on my travels, I know there are many many people in this world who would literally kill for 1% of the things which make up my life. Pete looks at me and tells me he doesn't want to lose me because I am the most special person he has ever had in his life and despite his actions last night I believe him.

We head out for a late night bite to eat and come across a little restaurant which has a cat in a basket hanging it's paw over the side. 'Awww how cute' I exclaim until I realise that it is tied into the basket by a piece of rope. Awful. We sit and have some munch and watch the Arsenal game before taking a stroll along the back alleys of Bangkok. Side by side, our arms wrapped round each other, we walk in the midnight air. Nothing is said and nothng needs to be... I know what I have almost lost and I think Pete does too.
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