Day 38 - Solitude

Trip Start Nov 07, 2010
1
38
212
Trip End Jan 01, 2012


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Flag of Thailand  , Chiang Mai,
Wednesday, December 15, 2010

There comes a time while traveling where a feeling of isolation sets in. You're detached from the world you left behind, separated by time and space.  Nights are days and days are nights.  Half the world stands between you and the existence you once knew.  Life goes on without you back home like nothing’s changed, but for you, everything’s changed.  It’s a lonely feeling.  Quiet desperation where something inside you wants to scream out and be heard from across the vast distance.  Going into this journey I tried to prepare myself for what it would be like, but nothing can prepare you for the lingering doubts and hollow realization that most of the people you knew, your friends and coworkers, aren’t affected in the slightest by your absence.  Perhaps they’re even better off because of it.  I’ve soured at the utter lack of communication from my previous colleagues and can’t help but wonder the purpose behind it.  Some people I thought were good friends and mentors haven’t said a word since I’ve been gone.  Am I reading too much into this?  Probably.  For them, it’s hardly been over a month since I set out on this journey.  That would have been the blink of an eye the way we lead our lives, always rushing from one thing to the next and never really taking the time to savor its existence.  For me, it feels like a lifetime.  Each day a new experience and challenge to overcome.  Every moment, valuable with lessons learned about oneself and the world around you.  Still, I’m struggling internally between this need for connection with the people I care about, and the unexplainable urge to just let it all go and become even more remote and detached.  Bearing witness to all these solemn and holy places tucked away by rivers and mountainside, the urge grows strong.  The power within myself to lead a solitary life of self exploration and spiritual growth revealed amongst the ancient temples and symbols of devotion.  To go out into the world with no hint of fear or regret in my heart.  I know now these recurring waves of doubt and longings for people to reach out to me are simply the growing pains of a mind unencumbered.  To let go of one way of thinking, release all notions of self and ego, and emerge with a different perspective on the world.  Validation comes from within, and while it’s necessary to live a life that will make the people who love you proud and honored, you need to find the intrinsic reward of valuing yourself first if you ever want to truly change.  Having ruminated on this fact today, my mind finds peace again.  Letting these thoughts flow through me like water until finally the surface is still and serene once more.
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Comments

Dana on

Aw we definitely miss you, Everett. I think with the holidays it's made this month y'all have been gone for simply fly by. But keep up with the blog. I think because I'm reading it I feel like we're in touch still but it's not like you know that since I never comment ha. Will try to do that more. Anyway it sounds likes you're having an amazing time. Love the pics. Merry Christmas, buddy.

everett.butler
everett.butler on

Merry Xmas! Miss you guys a ton. Thanks for following along on the journey :) Can't wait to tell you all about it when I get home.

Chris Carrell on

Hi Everett! You are an amazing writer and I've enjoyed following your journey in words and pictures very much. Keep writing. I'm addicted! I hope you had a wonderful Christmas. You are missed!

everett.butler
everett.butler on

Thank you so much Chris! It's great to hear from you. I miss everyone back home, especially during these precious holidays. I hope you and your family had a great one and spent tons of quality time together. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

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