Day 25 - The True Meaning of Change
Nov 07, 2010
Where I stayed
. I catch myself sometimes getting frustrated and internally sullen when things that are out of my control don't go well. Especially if I feel I would have done it differently if I was on my own. It's so hard not to fall into the same patterns of behavior and modes of thought when it's buried deep in your subconscious. Almost reflexive behavior that requires no processing. Something you may have done for years and knew it on some level, but until you are staring that beast in the face and really taking the time to modify how you think and feel, nothing is done on a permanent basis to change it. Well, it's time I start changing. At the heart of this trip, that's what this is all about. Not an escape, not a vacation, not a glorified trek around the world, but a chance to let go of all my preconceptions about who I am and where I'm going and just let the universe decide that for me. I left a whole world behind; friends, family, love, and not a day goes by where I don't miss them, but I would be doing them all a disservice if I didn't take this time to truly work on myself and become the person I'm meant to be. It's not an easy path, but it's one of value, strength, courage, and in the end when I look back on who I was when I started this journey, I'll know the true meaning of change.
There comes a point when you've been traveling for a while, when a feeling starts to creep up on you. Unease, friction, abrasiveness. You can't quite put your finger on it, but it's there. The things that used to come so easily on the road, always seeming to go your way without effort, now all backfire in your face as if the world is laughing at your futile efforts to reign it in. It's only when you evaluate yourself critically and honestly that you realize, it's not the world that's gone wrong, it's you. I started out on this journey to explore, adventure, and find myself. I knew it wasn't always going to be easy, but no one ever really knows what it's like to learn the hard truths about themselves and how they interact with the world around them until it's staring them in the face. Sometimes beautiful, sometimes ugly. I've reaffirmed a great deal of my virtues, but also unearthed some of my most carefully guarded flaws. I'm loyal, affable, easy going, analytical, a natural leader, but I've also found I'm impulsive, subconsciously controlling every situation, and tend to try to convince other people of my viewpoint through the power of my words