Day 25 - The True Meaning of Change

Trip Start Nov 07, 2010
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26
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Trip End Jan 01, 2012


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Where I stayed
Hotel Malaysia

Flag of Malaysia  ,
Thursday, December 2, 2010

There comes a point when you've been traveling for a while, when a feeling starts to creep up on you. Unease, friction, abrasiveness.  You can't quite put your finger on it, but it's there.  The things that used to come so easily on the road, always seeming to go your way without effort, now all backfire in your face as if the world is laughing at your futile efforts to reign it in.  It's only when you evaluate yourself critically and honestly that you realize, it's not the world that's gone wrong, it's you.  I started out on this journey to explore, adventure, and find myself.  I knew it wasn't always going to be easy, but no one ever really knows what it's like to learn the hard truths about themselves and how they interact with the world around them until it's staring them in the face.  Sometimes beautiful, sometimes ugly.  I've reaffirmed a great deal of my virtues, but also unearthed some of my most carefully guarded flaws.  I'm loyal, affable, easy going, analytical, a natural leader, but I've also found I'm impulsive, subconsciously controlling every situation, and tend to try to convince other people of my viewpoint through the power of my words.  I catch myself sometimes getting frustrated and internally sullen when things that are out of my control don't go well.  Especially if I feel I would have done it differently if I was on my own.  It's so hard not to fall into the same patterns of behavior and modes of thought when it's buried deep in your subconscious.  Almost reflexive behavior that requires no processing.  Something you may have done for years and knew it on some level, but until you are staring that beast in the face and really taking the time to modify how you think and feel, nothing is done on a permanent basis to change it.  Well, it's time I start changing.  At the heart of this trip, that's what this is all about.  Not an escape, not a vacation, not a glorified trek around the world, but a chance to let go of all my preconceptions about who I am and where I'm going and just let the universe decide that for me.  I left a whole world behind; friends, family, love, and not a day goes by where I don't miss them, but I would be doing them all a disservice if I didn't take this time to truly work on myself and become the person I'm meant to be.  It's not an easy path, but it's one of value, strength, courage, and in the end when I look back on who I was when I started this journey, I'll know the true meaning of change.
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Comments

Kimi Evangeline Salgardo on

sweet everett. ive been reading bits and pieces, here and there. its that busy time, so well, you know;) i cant help but relate and look forward to the day i am doing what you are doing, traveling asia. but i am learning and discovering on my journey in dallas. finding out who you are is another trick for the ego to confuse oneself.... and keeping us in a vicious circle of self-doubt. i find that its the stripping layers of years of experiences, thoughts, people and societies ideas and systems that i have made my own throughout life. so what to do? after years of studying all the teachers i love so much, i am learning to do NOTHING. emotions and feelings come and go, like clouds(and not to get stuck on one). i try not to try so hard to be anything other than what i am...and just be aware and observe. we are all perfectly on a path to enlightenment. remember thats the beauty of life, the journey itself. not so much to get there, because here is just fine; life is not a means to an end;) love you my brother. merry everything, all the time!

everett.butler
everett.butler on

Kim! So good to hear from you. Thanks for following along when you can. I know all too well that it's the busy season for you right now. Your words ring true my old friend and mentor. Always one to defy expectations and take their own path, I still have the book you gave me years ago (Seat of the Soul) and since then I've tried to live every moment of every day fully, and with noble actions and intent. But in the end all we can do is be who we are and accept that life is a journey and there's no finish line or destination on the horizon, only the here and now. Much love to you back home, and I hope your experiences in Dallas are equally as fulfilling as my travels have been. Merry Christmas and hope to see you out on the open road someday :)

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