. All I want to be is alone. Sean and I split off from the group and find a place to settle. We dive into the salty water, the waves crashing down on us. All around, the sights of people on holiday, couples walking hand in hand on the beach, children playing. Still lost in my thoughts, the whole day is spent in deep introspection. There are some things in this world we cannot change. We only have the power to change ourselves. My mantra, for now it takes the edge off my pain. Still under a cloud but grasping at rays of light. The sun falls over the horizon as we make our way back to Bangkok. All are tired from our weekend adventures, my weariness from an emotional, physical and spiritual taxation. I hope to god that things will change, but remembering my words from earlier, focus on changing the only thing that which is within my power - myself.
The wonders of technology keep me connected to a world I left behind. I would normally see this as a good thing, and for the most part it is. But, sometimes it works against me. The space I have promised one, to work on myself and become a better man, broken by my desires. My heart and mind inextricably linked, I reach out to her and only make matters worse. I feel crushed and alone. Independent enough to take the first step, but always looking back to make sure it was the right one. I can't keep doing this to myself, to her. The link is broken. All semblance of connection gone. It brings a noticeable sadness to my mood and I can sense that my companions feel it too. I try to save face, unperturbed and congenial, but it just makes me that much more wretched on the inside. Silence follows. The boat ride over to Ko Lan giving me time to be with my thoughts. We dock and take a van to the other side of the island. Arriving at the beach, a stream of colors and sounds. Its bustling energy seemingly mocking my inner turmoil