Goddamn hippies!!
Trip Start
Nov 01, 2004
1
12
18
Trip End
May 01, 2005
Pai, Thailand
Sunday, January 23, 2005
You have to wait four days for your Vietnam visa. In retrospect it would have been a good idea to apply for this before I went on the three day trek but that would just be way too organised. So I apply for my visa and have four days to kill. Shana, one of my trekking partners, suggests going to Pai (pronounced 'bye'). I'd heard from other people that it was a lovely place. We get talking about it and Sharon and Shana (whose planning skills make me look like I'm a logistical operations officer for NASA (no offense to Sharon and Shana :-) ) and Chuck decide to come too.
It's about a three hour minivan ride to Pai. We have no idea where we're going to stay so we split up to try and find some rooms which is a bit of a challenge because Pai is pretty popular with travellers. We settle on an area which consists of sets of bungalows situated beside the banks of a river. You get across the river by means of rickety bamboo footbridges.
Pai is a lovely place and one of the most laid-back that I have ever been. For some reason I keep bumping into people that I know here - even a guy that I met in Kathmandu. Feels like home before I've even arrived!
I approach a set of bungalows beside the river that are made up of bamboo shacks and have at their centre a communal, open-air area made up of sofas, hammocks, a hi-fi and a fridge.
Check in is handled by an extremely lovely Australian girl who instructs me as follows:
"Yeah. Sign your name and the date you arrived in the book. If you take any beer or drinks from the fridge then just write them down. If you need any extra blankets then let me know, OK?"
"That'll be fine." I said in a manly and assertive voice. "Now how about we get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini?"
Actually I kind of croak the word 'ok' due to being somewhat in awe of this woman's loveliness. She smiles at me benignly in a way that I imagine she reserves for all the strange men who croak things at her. The day's bureaucracy over with, she then kick-starts a dirt-bike and, without a moment's hesitation, rides it over the river across a rickety bamboo footbridge that is about three feet wide. By doing this she firmly secures her status in my mind as Goddess of the universe and mother of all that is holy.
My bungalow is a shack made from bamboo that is six feet off the ground and which sways alarmingly when you climb the stairs. Inside is a rattan floor on which is a mattress that is one inch thick. There are thick blankets because Pai gets surprisingly cold at night, pillows and a mosquito net. It is costing me one pound a night.
The bungalow has a lock which can be circumvented by applying forward pressure on the door with your index finger. I guess it's just inconceivable that anyone would do anything bad to another person in Pai. I have a theory that instead of putting young offenders in prison we should just send them to Pai for a few months. They'll come back wearing dreadlocks and hemp shirts and calling everyone 'man' but will certainly be rid of any malice they might have harboured toward other people, animals, flowers... I mean they'll just be at peace with the universe, man.
I, however, have no time for this hippy nonsense. There will be no sandal / Thai-dye / hairy armpit wearing for me. I am going to take a dirt-bike with a two-stroke 250cc engine with no exhaust and shred the tranquility of Pai. I am going to rip up the peaceful paths of the surrounding area and I'm going to laugh maniacally as the hippies dive for cover in front of me... HAHAHAHA!!
Ooookay. No I did actually do a dirt-bike course and took great pleasure in the dirty looks that everyone gave me as I rode a very noisy dirt-bike around town but I didn't actually chase any hippies through the countryside (although the concept certainly has its possibilities).
I've done a fair bit of biking over the years but have never really done any off-roading (I had a 650cc enduro in Manchester but that was just because it made me look cool.) I seem to have discovered a new addiction.
The day starts by getting dressed in motocross gear: chest protectors, back protectors, knee pads, elbow pads, heavy boots, gloves, full-face helmet, goggles and heavy protective trousers. You can basically throw me off a cliff and nothing is going to happen to me.
I'm given a bike with very high suspension and no exhaust and told to ride it around town. Of course I stall the bike as I'm trying to pull out which is a source of great hilarity to the hippies sitting at a cafe across the street. I give them a reverse peace sign and continue on my way.
Back at the shop I meet Nop, who is a competitive Thai motocross rider and the guide for the day. I meet Brad who is a competitive motocross rider from Canada and James who is an Englishman from London who is about the same level as me. All three would become fairly good friends over the next week or so.
The day starts at a motocross track which is just a trail that Nop has scoured out of the countryside on the outskirts of Pai. Essentially it's an oval track that is on the side of a steep hill. You go up a very steep slope to the top of the hill, across the top and then down an even steeper slope back into the valley. I take one look at it and very quickly decide: 'no way'. (Although I did come back a few days later and crash all over it.) To me, at that point, I'm wondering how on earth anyone goes up a slope like that without wings. I spend an hour or so mucking around on a dirt track that has the odd slopy bit and watch as Brad takes a bike straight up the steepest part of the track. Brad later told me that he was a bit disappointed that he couldn't go straight up the slope and then catch about twenty feet of air at the top but apparently the bike wasn't powerful enough.
We then head out onto the jungle trails which is absolutely awesome. The trails are made by the hill tribes and just go up and down all over the place. They're pretty rough - they're dirt tracks that range from mud to very loose sand and rock. In places they've been badly eroded by the rain from the monsoon. The rain digs out deep trenches and ruts which are quite a challenge on a motorbike. Parts are steep enough that you need to stand up over the handlebars as the back wheel spins in the sand and the back of the bike fish-tails all over the place. On a steep slope going down you need to do the reverse: lean right back on the bike and just let it go where it wants to. The trail is so loose that you can't really use the front brakes at all - you put the bike in low gear and use the back brakes when you can (but the back wheel will lock pretty much immediately when you do). Most of the time you're just in a controlled slide down the hill. We go through some small villages that are very much off the beaten track and stop at one for lunch. I was slightly concerned that the locals might not appreciate us shredding the tranquility of the countryside with high-powered dirt-bikes but they're very friendly and seem happy to see us.
There's a particular stretch that's quite difficult. I'm basically just sliding the bike down a very steep, sandy trail (sand is a bit of nightmare on a bike). There's really very little I can do except try and keep the bike under control and going in roughly the right direction. I approach a hairpin bend and stop because it's relatively level. Extremely bizarrely, a farang (foreigner) with dreadlocks is there with a moped. His first words to me are: "Have you seen the waterfall?"
We are really in the middle of nowhere. We're at least a hundred kilometres from Pai on a trail that is used (rarely) by the hill tribes. I haven't seen another soul all day. I'm in full motocross gear on a bike that has been purpose built for this terrain and I'm finding it difficult going. I look at him like he's on drugs (of which there is a distinct possibility) and reply: "Um. No. I haven't seen the waterfall." I've no idea how he got the moped there but he was stuck and Nop had to take it to the top of the slope for him.
James crashes at one point. I was too far behind to see what happened but I ride up to see James in a pile of dust pulling himself and the bike out of a ditch. Nop is admonishing him: 'Don't try to keep up with me!'. For macho reasons James had elected not to wear protective gear that day - he was wearing trainers (bad idea on any bike as I learned painfully in Manchester) and a helmet and that was about it. Also for macho reasons he wouldn't let on but I think he was quite badly hurt as well. He was bleeding quite badly from his ankle (Nop gave him a plastic bag by way of a plaster - we're real men and have no time for namby pamby bandages). I saw him the next day and his wrist and elbow were heavily bandaged. I said that Me, Nop and Brad were going biking again and did he want to come and he replies 'Nonononono' with a horrified expression.
At one point I crash (well, fall over). I'm trying to pull off the road to avoid an oncoming car, stop and try to put my foot down where there is no ground. The bike tips over and I go somersaulting down the trail. Nop rides up and can barely talk because he's laughing so hard. Some guide!
We spend the rest of the day riding around at waterfalls and so on. Brilliant but very tiring. I was already planning my next trip.
I arrange to meet Brad and Nop later for dinner. Brad suggests the Curry Shack which, outside of Pine Bungalows which is in a league of its own for food, serves the best curry that I'd had in Thailand. The ever lovely Sharon and Shana agree to come and Chuck as well.
We meet at the curry shack. Nop's a bit late because it turns out that five members of the Thailand motocross team - good friends of his - have shown up in town. They show up and start drinking. We finish the meal and agree to head off to the infamous 'Be-Bop' bar. Pai is not very big and the Be-Bop is one of the busier bars. It has two surprisingly good live bands, one of which is fronted by an extremely talented Welshman who spends four months out of the year in Pai (not a bad life!) We don't have enough transportation for everyone so the journey to the Be-bop is made in true Thai style with three people each on a moped. We spend the rest of the night at the Be-bop drinking large amounts of Sangsom (Thai whiskey) with the Thai motocross team. They are in training and apparently Sangsom is an essential component. They are due to go for a ride tomorrow with Brad leading. They ask if I want to come? Hahaha funny bastards (this would be crossing the line between 'fun' and 'suicide').
One of a couple of very alarming moped moments occurs on the way back home. I'm walking with Sharon, Shana and Chuck back to the bungalows. Nop, Brad and the Thai motocross team had gone off to the Bamboo bar for more pre-season training. Brad shows up on his moped having decided to call it an early (earlier) night. Shana says she wants to have a go on the moped and Brad says fine. The complicating factor is that Shana has never ridden a moped before. So she gets on and of course everyone is giving her conflicting advice about what to do.
The mopeds in Thailand are pretty easy to operate (the locals seem to start riding them at about age six). But there is a somewhat fatal flaw in that the front brake lever is on the same handlebar as the accelerator (as it is on all motorbikes). The danger is that the mopeding protege opens the throttle, the bike leaps forward, the person panics and tries to use the front brake but the throttle's still wide open, etc. I've watched a few people get into trouble like that.
So the four of us watch in horror as Shana opens the throttle and accelerates rapidly out of control towards a wall. I am holding my head in my hands as I watch this. It is great credit to Shana that she manages to bring the bike back under control and stops it. She decides then and there that her mopeding days are over.
The next day would see another mopeding accident with Chuck, as far I'm concerned, lucky to escape with his life.
Due to excessive training with the Thai motocross team, I wake up with a hangover and decide to see about some food. I'm walking toward my favourite pad-thai (Thai noodle) place and bump into Nop and Brad, both on bikes. They were supposed to be going for a ride but apparently the Thai motocross team had to go back to Chiang-Mai for some reason. They're going for a ride out to some caves and a waterfall and do I and the others want to come? I didn't really have any plans so why not? We organise mopeds - me and Brad have one each, Nop is doubling Shana. Nobody realised it but Chuck had only ever ridden a moped twice before.
We set off on one of the main roads which goes quickly into the mountains by means of many, many steep hairpin bends. I'm really quite enjoying it but we stop at the top of the mountain and Shana's had enough. Nop swears that he's not riding fast but I can just imagine what Nop's version of 'slow' is. I think I probably would have wanted to get off as well. Sharon decides that she too has had enough and the two of them, in a very wise move, decide to hitch a ride back to town in one of the many buses that stop there.
So Me, Nop, Brad and Chuck head down the other side of the mountain (also all hairpin bends) pretty much at light speed. We're riding mopeds - they're not exactly super-bikes - but they're 125cc and will do 100km/h or so which is pretty fast on those roads. We drive about another 70 km or so and get to the caves which are really quite impressive. Massive like cathedrals on the inside with rivers running through them and guys in canoes with lanterns and so on.
We get back on the bikes, head back up the mountain and down the endless hairpins on the other side. Brad's leading and, to my mind, we're going fairly fast. Once again I'm really quite enjoying it.
We go around one hairpin which is enclosed by a barrier. Barrier's are bad news for bikers because you get soft, fleshy object hitting hard, metal, immoveable one. I go through the bend but as I exit I hear a loud 'clink' sound - metal on metal - behind me and I just know that something has gone wrong. I can't see the bend by this point but I stop and wait for Chuck who just never shows. I turn the bike around and head back up the hill and I'm very, very worried about what I'm going to find at the bend.
I can see a cloud of dust and Chuck's moped crashed against the barrier. On the other side of the barrier, unbelievably, is Chuck, standing up and covered in dirt, brushing himself off. He'd lost control of the bike on the bend and the bike had gone sliding towards the barrier. Somehow he'd managed to get off the bike and had slid through the 18 inches of space that are between the bottom of the barrier and the ground. He's pretty scratched up. He slid on his stomach and has lost a lot of skin from his chin and hand. But he was very, very lucky not to have come off far worse.
Sharon and Shana, still changing plans at the last minute, somehow against all the odds managed to get themselves on a bus: destination Bangkok and Cambodia. I stayed about another four days or so and did some more biking with Nop. I really liked Pai. If it had some decent windsurfing it really would be a slice of heaven. (Pai, unfortunately, is resolutely land-locked). But it's time to move on. Next I'm going to Lao...
