100th Post Special: The Clip Show
Trip Start Apr 01, 1979
78Trip End Ongoing
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I. The Early Married Years - Easy to forget that young Daniel was married (!) when this all started. Let's first look back at some of the finer moments with his... yes... wife:
a. 'Quick Hits' (Washington, DC - May 30, 2003): "I watched the national spelling bee with my lady last night on tv. Then I said, let's make one of those little nerds. My lady looked at me and replied, "Nerd, Y-O-U, Nerd". I was not amused."
b. 'The Young Idiot Chronicles, Part IV' (Washington, DC - August 19, 2003): "[Upon the end of the visit the in-laws] Physical comedy ain't my bag. Due to the linguistic gulf betwixt us, I couldn't rely on the sharpness of my tongue, which is full of endless witticisms, to make them laugh. Instead I had to count on a more primitive, Stooge-ian comedy. And frankly, when I stick my chopsticks in my ears, or trip over the suitcase and do a double back flip on to the floor, it just isn't that funny. Anyone who can make it so is a genius, but I'll stick to sarcastic remarks thank you very much."
c. 'The Weight' (Washington, DC - February 22, 2005): "Speaking of old, today I go to sign the paperwork to buy a house. That's right, now you can add mortgage to the reasons I feel like I'm about 70. It's a nice place, though, with an extra bedroom. (Yay?)"
II. Religious Moments - Daniel was always one to make religious insults. Let's take a look at some of the more hilarious, and sometimes bewildering, rants against religion:
a. 'Smell My Harbor' (Hong Kong - June 1, 2001): "Living in an area that was generally devoid of anglos, made me occasionally long for companionship of that type. Often, though, the only ones I saw were the many missionaries standing in the walkways trying to drum up membership. The first of these fellas, despite my general dislike for preachers, I approached for some solid, unaccented English conversation. It obviously had been a while for me, though, and it showed. I approached the gent, and started with some pleasantries. He asked where I was from, I told him, and responded that he must be from Scotland with an accent like that. He replied, "No" with a startled look. I then realized that he was probably Irish, and that by calling him Scottish, I'd probably ticked him off a bit. So I told him as much. Again, he seemed stunned, and quickly replied, "I'm from Utah!" My stupidity unmatched, I slyly added, "Oh! Mormon, huh?" At the time, that seemed an innocent comment, but was probably taken to be a bit condescending. I quickly gave up the initiative to talk to other Gwei Lo people. It just wasn't worth it for such rudeness, even if I was the rude one."
b. 'What I'm not Talking About' (Washington, DC - October 20, 2004): "I could talk about my sister's wedding. The wedding where she endured over a year of indoctrination followed by a quick conversion to Catholicism just so she could sit down during the ceremony (I don't know why they sit down, but I don't like it, and I don't know why her husband doesn't think its funny when I ask him questions like, When are you going to break the glass? And are we gonna do the chair dance thing?). ... I certainly don't know why I had to bow at the front of the church, and I was more than lost when the priest said some line and everybody already knew what to say back (he would say things like God be with you, and we were supposed to say back and also with you, but I didn't know so I said 'right on my brother'). I thought for a long time and finally figured out why the priest reminded my of a serial killer, and how I couldn't stop thinking that it must be a no-win situation to be an altar boy nowadays.
c. 'Germany Religion' (Germany - December 2005): "[An excerpt from my exploration of religion in Germany] Islam: There is certainly a strong Muslim population in Germany, although the vast majority of these persons seem to be Turkish in ancestry. And the vast majority of those Turks seem to be running Italian restaurants. I'm not complaining because I like very much Turkish, Italian and German food, so some kind of weird mélange of the three is pretty nice. But this is pretty much the only place I saw Muslims. So I reckon that as far as extrapotyping (i.e., stereotyping) for Muslims goes in Germany, they are only Turkish italianophiles. Okay."
d. 'Amish Paradise' (Intercourse, Pennsylvania - April 10, 2005): "[On my visit to Amish country, trying to figure them out] First, there are all kinds of weird ones around that area, and they aren't all Amish. There is Old Order Amish (horse and buggy), New Order Amish (weird still, but they have cars and tractors), Old Order Mennonites (basically the same as the O.O.A.) and New Order Mennonites (yes, basically the same as N.O.A.). Finally, there is a group that call themselves Brethren (who look like the weird ones, but seem to have none of the restrictions). On religious doctrine I know nothing, so I couldn't tell them at all apart, so I'll simplify by calling those who drive in the buggy Amish, and those who don't Fake Amish. Fair enough? No, well who cares anyway?"
III. The Cameos - And who can forget some of the more famous cameo appearances from the likes of:
a. Colin Powell, 'I Miss My JK' (Chattanooga, TN - November 20, 2004): "So this year was extra busy because none other than Senor Secretary, Colin Powell, was going to speak. And guess what old CP decided to do this day, that's right, he'd decided to quit. So on Monday afternoon, right before the big shindig where I will see the man speak, it comes out that he's quit. And I tell you I was freakin' ecstatic. No, not because the ball bangers in this administration just lost the moderate voice, but rather because this guy is a political superstar. So long story long, he makes his bloody speech, and I'm already slightly juiced up (intoxicated for the kids who don't know), and I see that his only route of escape is off to the side and out. So my bright ass says to my dumb head, let's go over there and stand in the way, and maybe, just maybe, I can garner a little hand shake. A little baby kissing and what not. And so CP leaves the stage and heads in my direction, and so does an absolute crush of people. I, in formal dress, slightly off kilter, was thrown into an absolute Pacers-Pistons style melee. ... But I'm a tough guy and I hold my ground, and I only get shoved by one secret service agent. And sure enough, the big guy is in my face and shakes my hand, and I lean in and say, 'Congratulations on a fantastic tenure.' Well he looks me in the eye and nods and says, 'Mm.' It was frickin' awesome. I fought my way out and did the chicken dance in front of half the crowd whose jaws dropped all the way through the floor two clear layers down."
b. Bill Cosby, 'Compilation Set' (Washington, DC - circa 2006): "It was Sunday morning and I was headed off to work (yes, that's right, my lazy ass goes to work on Sundays from time to time... have to catch up on all the work I shirked during the week, right?). Anyway, I was walking past the Jefferson Hotel in Washington while talking to my friend Ben on the phone. Suddenly I saw him emerge from the front entrance, a scant 20 feet or so from my location. He came out, looked up at the blue sky and smiled. I quickly said to Ben, "Oh shit, Bill Cosby, hold on a sec." I didn't wait for his response. I walked confidently up to the Cos' and said, "Sir, I'd just really like to say hello and shake your hand." I held out my paw and he quickly grabbed and shook it up and down, muttering, "Okay, okay." I then left, resuming my conversation with Ben. "Oh yeah, just meeting my buddy Bill Cosby, nothing serious." He seemed excited. I was ecstatic."
c. Scott Bakula, 'Oops, I Just Felt My Quantum Leap' (Washington, DC - April 15, 2006): "I pushed my way towards him. A group of three girls stood in my way. He spoke, "Where are you from?" His voice was soft and sweet like honey. "We're from Mexico City," they replied. "Wow!" he began, "you came all this way just to see me." They giggled their response. From somewhere I heard a large chortle arriving deep from within someone's gut. It seemed to be coming from behind, but when I looked around I realized the laugh was from me. My body and mind had separated, and I was now under the control only of Bakula's eyes. The Mexi-gals left and there I was, face to face with him. "I've come all the way from Dupont Circle just to see you," I said. "Dupont Circle?!" Scott replied. "Yes," I said, "it was nearly a 20 minute walk." And then he too was laughing, and all caused by me. I wanted to reach out to him, to hold him, to tell him I understood. I wanted to stroke his wispy hair and say, "It's not your fault. I love you. It's not your fault!" But I merely held out my playbill in one hand, with my pen in the other and watched as he scrawled out his signature. And then, like a crumbling leaf in a closed fist after the first winter's chill, he was gone. He had forever left my life. I didn't notice until I was halfway home that I had been crying."
d. Carlos Mencia 'Major Moves' (New Orleans, LA - December 2008): "Near the hotel we found the third worthwhile reason for staying there, its proximity to a new restaurant called Suave. We didn't eat there and the drinks we had were watered down and pretty terrible, but this restaurant is the brainchild of the indomitable comedian, Carlos Mencia. And since the restaurant was just opening, Carlos was on hand. He was his usual jovial self like his tv personality. He sat at the bar and talked to one person in subdued tones. When we eventually approached him for a picture, he was nice enough to look at the camera, even if just barely. I offered my congratulations on the new place. He nodded. But our drinks were free, a promotion during the opening few days. That was worth the price of admission, which incidentally was also free since it was a restaurant.
IV. Stories of Sports Woe - Sports was always, and still is, a big part of Daniel's life, and therefore the sports field was never out of mind when the blog came to be written. Let's take a look:
a. 'Me and My Malibu Barbie' (Richmond, VA - June 4, 2003): "DC United won for the first time this past weekend, and during the game I wasn't wearing any pants. So I guess I have to repeat this for every game the rest of the year. Its gonna be weird for the games I have tickets to, but that's just the price you pay for being a fan."
b. 'Why Bother' (Washington, DC - July 22, 2003): "I was in a restaurant the other day and I paid with my DC United credit card. The waiter, a Hispanic dude, came back and was like, "Do you play for DC United!?!" I looked at him, my double chin glistening with the glow of post milkshake bliss and said, "are you crazy? I wish." He got a big tip though, that's for sure."
c. 'O Come All Ye Pitiful' (Washington, DC - August 10, 2004): "I scored a goal the other day. And I tell you what, it was a thing of beauty. ... the ball came fast and true from the right. It passed over my head all the way to the far post where a player of tremendous ability rose up above the crowd andvheaded the ball back across the face of the goal. I knew then that I had a chance to make a play. I moved quick, just a step over and lunged with full force. My leg whipped up and made clean contact with the ball sending it past the helpless goalkeeper. It rose straight up into the roof of the net with a bullet. I honestly can't remember the last time I'd made such true contact with the ball on a volley, but sometimes, things just fall into place. It's a real shame that I was a defender on the play. And that the opposing team headed it back to me, where I was covering the near post."
d. 'What I'm not Talking About' (Washington, DC - October 20, 2004): "Despite the fact that I am honestly playing the best soccer of my life and that I've become one of my teams most consistent performers (and if you count both of those and include a bag of donuts you'll have exactly one bag of donuts), my two teams in a combined total of 10 games this Fall season have won exactly one game (this past weekend actually, I scored a great goal and we obliterated the team 6-2, but they only had 7 players and they still scored 2 goals). I could also mention that before last weekend's game I had a violent bout of the nasty D word (diarrhea for the uninitiated). And when I say before last weekend's game, I mean about 10 minutes before last weekend's game. I could also mention that there was not a scrap of soft tissue within miles and how I pleasant improvised to everyone's delight. But no, I'm not going to talk about soccer."
e. 'Buzzin Yo' (Washington, DC - May 19, 2005): "In other news, the sports field has been very kind to me lately, and yet equally cruel. ... For instance, on the softball field I made some kind of ridiculous diving grab in the first game of the season. I stretched out, fully horizontal, and flung myself towards the ball. And some damn how it ended up in my glove. People came up to me awestruck. One guy even noted that it was, "the greatest thing he had ever seen in his life." I pity him. Nevertheless, it was kinda cool. Anyway, so after that game, I got so much press (i.e., a few people in the office talked about it) that I started making my subordinates refer to it as "The Immaculate Catch." I even made the intern act it out, as the ball! Anyway, so at the next game, I couldn't get the stupid catch out of my head, so every time a hit came my way, I was diving all over the place, looking like an absolute fool. I dove twice and came up with nothing but air. Mercifully, the coach pulled me from the field and I hit DH in the second half of the game. Lesson learned, at least until next time."
V. The Cry Me a River Entries - Occasionally, to draw in the female audience I guess, some really depressing moments were put in:
a. 'Seriously Serious' (Washington, DC - October 3, 2005): "So what's the point of all this? What am I trying to say and do? I just want to be clear on one single thing. This life that we lead is precious. Yes, I have regrets. Yes, I have guilt. And yes, I've made mistakes. But those mistakes are my own, and I've learned more from them than any of my successes. And the truth is, who doesn't have regrets or guilt? Who hasn't experienced lows and highs? Who hasn't made hard choices that they now have to live by? I lead a charmed life, and I'll be the first to admit as much. But anyone out there who reads this should know that you can't blame me for wanting to change who I am and be happier. You certainly can't blame me for being open and honest about it. If anything, that should be my redeeming characteristic. If I feel something, I'll let you know. Hopefully, that is mutual."
b. 'Early in the Morning' (Clarksville, TN - July 1, 2007): "I want to be inspired by what I do and who I am. I want to regain that zest for life, that passion for improvement, and that drive to be more than what I am. Yet no matter how much I want it to be there, it isn't anymore. I've lost a huge chunk of myself, and it all started on that day that I gave up, overseas, in Ukraine. My path had been laid out, and my dreams were finally, belatedly being realized. I was going to learn a language, even if begrudgingly, and I was going to fulfill my long held desire to live abroad. Yet for whatever reason, I just failed and did so quite miserably. It's very strange for me to think about now, and all the confidence that I had prior to that point has been quickly erased. There is a deep void inside of me now. Before I left I think most people would have used the following words to describe me: funny, smart, opinionated, motivated, confident, and a leader. I came back and lost the last half of those descriptors. They were thrown away somewhere over the Atlantic."
VI. The Bloopers - Since that just made me nauseous, there's nothing better to cheer me up then some hilarious BLOOPERS:
a. 'Stolen Works of Working' (Fairfax, VA - November 10, 2002): "I went into the library to inspect all of the books. I had the missing novel in my hand, looked around desperately, making sure no prying eyes saw me. I then pooped the novel back on the shelf. And then... Wait, wait, wait, did I just say 'pooped'? Ha ha ha ha! OMG, is my face red? I mean 'put' people; I put it back on the shelf. Wow, I can't believe that one. Oh my my, pooped... daggumit, hahaha... That's gonna make a blooper reel someday (wink)."
b. 'Player Haiti-ing' (Cap Haitien, Haiti - July 13, 2008): "[See if you can spot when Daniel messes up in this very rare blooper from the Haiti entry] Haiti captured me on this trip. The scenery, which was grand, the people, who were generous and smiling, the poop, which was sumptuous, and the life lessons it taught me, which were certainly unmatched. Haiti is rife with abject poverty, crime riddled cities, an abusive government, and poor standards of health. Yet at its core is a fiercely independent people, who threw off the yokes of colonial oppression less than twenty years after America's own independence. I was lucky to see Haiti. If I'm lucky, I'll be back again soon. [That's right, folks, he said the 'poop' was sumptuous! Oh that Daniel. I think he meant food... didn't he?]"
c. 'My Dirty Routine' (Kayonza, Rwanda - February 13, 2009): "[Let's read where Daniel inadvertently writes an ethnic slur] I never remember the students' names here. I mean, I have 700 of them since I teach P.E. to every frickin' class, and plus the names don't exactly roll off the tongue. "Is Poojartee Baskavllnnneda here? Anyone? Poojartee? No, eh. Maybe it's pronounced Charles. How bout a Charles?" So I just call the kids by whatever comes to mind when I look at them. If the kid is wearing a purple shirt, I call him or her (gender balance, people) purple. Some others: pink, track suit, funny eyes, scar head, chunks, Tinkerbelle (for the ones who are probably gay, since I'm always sensitive), future ditch digger, peanut, and darky (although that once caused a whole class to stand). [Wait, did he mean to write that? SICKO!]"
d. 'In the Butt' (Bethesda, MD - August 8, 2005): "[And that one you've all been waiting for, the scene that you said didn't exist] It was my birthday and I was at a bar (big surprise there, eh?"). I was playing one of those pub trivia games with friends when someone asked me, out of nowhere, "Daniel, where is the strangest place you've ever made whoopee?" I replied confidently, "In the butt." They all started laughing. Oops! [Thanks to the Newlywed Game for sharing the license to this clip.]"
VII. The Spinoff - And a never-before-aired scene from the quickly cancelled spinoff, "Daniel Moses - The Ukraine Years":
a. 'Arrival' (Kiev, Ukraine - April 9, 2007): "As some of you may know, we took a bus to Kyiv (pronounced Keev if you want to sound cool. There were several douchebags who already knew that at our staging event in Philly and threw it out there like crazy. Now we all know the pronunciation, although I don't want to say it. I do though of course and probably will when I return. Can't you just imagine? "Hi Daniel, where have you been the last two years?" "Well I've been haberdashing around Keev for one. Have you ever been to Keev? Keev really is a lovely city, especially in the Spring. Oh yes, the Keev springtime is magnificent. You really should visit Keev. Everyone who is anyone should go to Keev." But I digress...). The bus trip, which had an additional 6 hours planned in just in case we got lost or perhaps ran into traffic or in case we fell off a freeway overpass (too soon? Sorry. Someone actually mentioned it on the bus. I called her Debbie Downer). The drive was from Philly to JFK airport in New York, and they took us through the heart of Manhattan and Times Square. A strange route to say the least, but with so much time, it was nice for some to have a brief look at the sights."
That's all for now folks. If you made it this far, you're a hero. Write me an email if you did. I'll send you a chocolate bar. Otherwise, have a wonderful day, week, and a year!