Paris - Read the instructions before use
Trip Start Jan 27, 2010
32Trip End Dec 09, 2010
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*Cautionary Note: These tips are rated M15+ for graphic content and supernatural themes (possibly more frightening then the Snow White ride at Disney).
Dedication: Chat Roulette (pronounced Shat Roolay) Thanks for the music....(1964-2002, because after 2002, it was rubbish).
1) If any petite, colourfully dressed, swarthy looking girl, wearing a vast array of bangles and a dirty crumpled skirt, asks you, "Do you speak English?", reply hastily, “No, I do not speak English. Sorry for any inconvenience I may have caused you.” This strategy will work 60% of the time, every time.
2) Le Paris Toilette – When nature calls, always be paired with a 'toilet buddy'. If you find yourself without the aforementioned ‘toilet buddy’, do not lock or close the toilet door as the handle will more than likely fall off, leaving you trapped and quite literally, in the shit
a) Who: Jeff
Where: Kebab Shop
Time: 15 mins 37 sec approx.
Resolution: Jeff was freed only after hysterically yelling, “JACKIE”, and banging on the door, then explaining to a French woman who was waiting patiently to use the toilet, that she would need to kick the door down from the outside to which she timidly replied, “Parlez-vous Francais?”
b) Who: Kristine
Where: The Hurling Pub
Time: 10 mins 42 sec exactly.
Resolution: Sensing something was amiss, previously victimised and psychologically scarred, Jeff Gagne rescued the damsel in distress who was locked in the bathroom with a broken handle.
Near-Misses (though still very frightening):
c) Who: Kristine
Where: The Louvre (Mummy Section)
Time: 2 mins 14 secs approx
d) Who: Jackie
Time: 1 min 48 sec approx.
N.B. The potential hazard from not complying with the highly recommended and IOC endorsed ‘toilet buddy’ system (i.e. leaving door unlocked), leaves you open to having shady characters, like the bearded angel (Chris), walk in on you and crash your one person party. Chris thinks she must have been Italian.
3) When walking through Pere Lachaise cemetery, beware of Zombie Rats.
How to spot a Zombie Rat-
a) The sound: Sounds like a carton a day smoker who has just run a marathon wearing straps.
i. Un-startled: zigzags like a drunkard
ii. Startled: Stands upright with 2 paws extended in front of body (not unlike its namesake , the zombie)
c) Talents: Is able to leap up to 5 metres in one jump and quickly cover large distances despite small strides.
d) Temperament: Is unafraid to take on a group of fully grown humans.
e) How to avoid: Only Chuck Norris can avoid a Zombie Rat.
N.B – Seriously though, if those rabie infested jaws snapped one inch closer, Chris would be in hospital now. It literally attacked him.
4) When at Disneyland Paris and only 15 minutes are left before closing time, you need not exert yourself by running the 2km stretch between Space Mountain and Peter Pan’s Flight. Especially when it has been 35 degrees all day (apparently Disney doesn’t believe in providing shade in lines), you are wearing thongs and are still zigzagging slightly from your 2 consecutive rides of Space Mountain. Contrary to popular belief, the attendants rope off the line at 10pm exactly, and those who have made the line get to ride. PS – Peter cuts a fine figure in tights....
5) When trying to find a cheap source of alcohol after business hours, for the love of God, spend the extra 20 cents for the Heinekin instead of the underground Amsterdamien black market Maximator (11.6%) and Navigator (9.2%) death beers. Brewed in the deep, dark bowels of the Black Pearl, anchored off the coast of Holland (Brewed in the finest tradition). A special shout out to the unique store entrepreneur (who saw a hole in the market and went for it), for his convenient 24 hour fruit and death liquor store.