Death to all Hekou Border Guards

  Hekou, China
Thursday, April 21, 2005

Well, there are lots of things I want to do before I die, and this trip has ticked off a few of them. However, I'm pretty sure being deported never appeared on my list.

The trip didn't start well. In our hurry to leave the hotel in Hanoi, I left my key ring behind. This I realised at the station, a few minutes before our train left. I was a bit gutted that I had no way of getting into my bags, which were all locked up, but more so that I had lost my buzzy-bee key ring. My kiwi-ana trinket. This may perplex foreign readers, but the buzzy-bee is sort of a kiwi icon, and it had been my faithful travelling companion for 11months. It was big issue.

M wasn't in the best of moods either, after nearly falling off her moto after her driver struggled to keep an eye on my driver and the road in front of him.

We got on the train, and had 10minutes of confusion as we worked out where we were meant to be - as the ticket info didn't match the train. The problem with this is that you have big bulky bags on your back, and its a narrow corridor, so people are trying to push you back or forwards or into a cabin while you try to work out what's going on. One guy was really getting on my nerves, so I threw him back a few meters. Guess who ended up being in our cabin (when we eventually found the right one)?

The train ride was nice enough, the hard sleepers are actually more comfortable than Chinese ones, especially as you have control of the cabin light. Arrived in Loc Cai at about 6am, and as the border didn't open until 7, we thought we would walk the 2km. Boy, is the lonely planet map wrong.

Got to the border a few hours later nonetheless. Its quite a nice border, as borders go. Nice simple buildings. A symbolic bridge to cross. Lots of Chinese and Vietnamese vegetable sellers going back and forth.

We got through the Vietnamese side pretty easily, and were pretty happy about crossing into a country we knew about for a change. Then it went a bit belly-up. You'll remember we were hoping to enter just on out Permanent Residence Permits, as the nice border official at the Chinese-Laos border told us we could. Well, turns out they have different rules at this border.


Optimisim as we leave Vietnam

We got as far as the last check-desk. We were 20metres from the door to China. Then the offical went to get his boss. After a while waiting at the immigration desk, we were ushered into a room. There were 2 Chinese officials in there, for simplicity I'll refer to them as "ex-Red Guard" and "Pig Face". Things were not looking good. They looked at our passports a lot. Looking at all the visas. Talking. Eventually ex-Red Guard told Pig Face, who was to be the interpreter (or interpretator as he called himself), to start asking questions. Below is a much condensed transcript of the entirity of our second visit to China. If you think it sounds repetitive here, you have no idea...

Pig Face :"Where are you visas?".
Me :"In your hand".
Pig Face :"They have all expired".
Me :"They are not our visas anymore, the little green book is. Its valid to September".
Pig Face :"This is not an entry visa of the People's Republic of China".
Me :"Yes it is".
Pig Face :"No its not".
Me :"The border-official at Mohan told us we could re-enter with them".
Pig Face :"You cannot use this to enter The People's Republic of China".
Me :"Are you sure?"
Pig Face :"This is not a valid entry visa for The People's Republic of China"

More of this for 10 minutes.

Me :"What does that mean?"
Pig Face :"The People's Republic of China will not allow you entry. You must get a valid visa from the Embassy in Hanoi"
Me :"We were told by an official of the People's Republic of China that we have a valid visa for entry. This does not seem to be our fault".
Pig Face :"The People's Republic of China does not accept your visa. You must get a visa from The People's Republic of China's embassy in Hanoi"
Me :"That will cost us a lot of time and money. We were told by an official from your country that we could enter. Why should we be punished for China's mistake?".
Pig Face :"This is not The People's Republic of China's mistake. This is partly your mistake, and partly Vietnam's mistake".
Me :"But it was a Chinese official who provided the incorrect information. Why is it everybody else's mistake?".
Pig Face :"You did not get the information from the correct People's Republic of China's authority."
Me :"We got the information, regarding border entry, from a Chinese Border Official. If they are not in posession of the correct information, who can we believe in China would be? You are a Chinese Border Official, for instance, giving us border entry information."

At this point, we were screwed. The Chinese couldn't help us without losing face big time - admitting that either they were wrong, or the other border guard was wrong. The People's Republic of China is never wrong, foreigners just misinterpret it. So from now on we were just fighting to avoid being dumped in no-man's land really, and they were probably wishing that they had just stamped the damn passports in the first place, so this wouldn't have been their problem.

Pig Face :"The information you have is wrong. It is your mistake"
Me :"But how can we trust any information from a Chinese offical then?"
Pig Face :"You must get a proper entry visa from The People's Republic of China's embassy."
Me :"But we were told we have one. By a Chinese Official. Surely China should help us sort this problem out?"
Pig Face :"This is not The People's Republic of China's mistake. This is partly your mistake, and partly Vietnam's mistake".
Me :"But it was a Chinese official who provided the incorrect information".
Pig Face :"That is nonsense. You are wrong."
Me :"Are you calling me a liar?"

At this point, there was a slight altercation that resulted in Pig Face sulking for 5 minutes.

Pig Face :"You must return to Vietnam"
Me :"We have exited Vietnam, we have no entry visa. We are sleeping in this office if we cannot go through those doors."
Pig Face :"You must leave the People's Republic of China"
Me :"Can we organise a visa for China from this office?".
Pig Face :"You can organise a entry visa from here"
Me :"Great, how much is that?"
Pig Face :"You must provide a letter of invitation."
Me :"We can organise one of those from our school."
Pig Face :"It will take too long. You must leave the People's Republic of China."
Me :"Can we organise a tourist visa from here?"
Pig Face :"No, only from Hanoi. Or if you had flown into Kunming".
Me :"Can we not do it remotely from here? Is there an extra fee we can pay for the trouble"
(Unsubtle attempt at bribery)
Pig Face :"No"
Me :"Can we be escorted to Kunming? We are going there next. Can we be given a provisional 24-hr visa or something?"
Pig Face :"You must leave the People's Republic of China."

Much more of this.
2hrs since we first tried to get through:

Pig Face :"The People's Republic of China requests that you sign this document"
Me :"Its entirely in Chinese. What does it say?"
Pig Face :"It says you agree to be deported by the the People's Republic of China".
Me :"We don't want to be deported by the the People's Republic of China."
Pig Face :"You must sign it"
Me :"Why?"
Pig Face :"So you can be deported."
Me :"We don't want to be deported. We want China to fix its mistake"
Pig Face :"The People's Republic of China has not made a mistake. You and Vietnam have been equally at fault. We need this document to negotiate with Vietnam your return to their country".
Me :"We're not happy signing a document which we don't understand what it says or means."
Pig Face :"We have told you what it says"
Me :"We are not convinced that if we agree to leave here, we will be allowed back into Vietnam. Our visas have been used."
Pig Face :"You will be able to re-enter Vietnam."
Me :"We are in this situation because we have believed information given to us previously by a Chinese Border Official. You are now saying he was wrong about the rules of his own country. Why should we believe another Chinese Border Official is correct about the rules of another country? If you are wrong, we will be stuck in an even worse position."
Pig Face :"The People's Republic of China has not made a mistake. You will be able to re-enter Vietnam."

Me :"We would like to call our embassy"
Pig Face: "What?"
Me :"We would like to call the NZ Embassy"

Frantic conversation between Pig Face and ex-Red Guard

Pig Face :"You cannot call the embassy"
Me :"That seems unfair. You have been holding us in this office for over 2 hrs because we believed one of your border officials"
Pig Face :"We do not know the number of the embassy"
Me :"You have internet at that computer, you can look it up"
Pig Face :"We have no phone."
Me :"There is one sitting on the desk there"
Pig Face :"It does not work"
Me :"You used it 30minutes ago"

Slight hope now, as they ring someone else, using said phone, and ask us a whole lot of questions about our entry into Laos. But alas no.

Pig Face :"You must sign this document quickly."
Me :"We told you. We are not happy signing it. We want to speak to our embassy."
Pig Face :"Under International Law, the People's Republic of China has no obligation to let you contact your embassy."
Me :"That sounds surprising. We have no obligation to sign that document."
Pig Face :"You must sign it quickly. It will take a long time to negotiate with the Vietnamese. We will have a shift change soon, and it will take longer."
Me :"No"

Lots of yelling at us and storming out. Slight satifaction at making ex-Red Guard lose face. Slight worry that we are pissing off a country that leads the world in the number of offenses that carry the death-penalty.

They come back in with offers of tea.
Pig Face :"Please sign the document."
Me :"Please let us enter your country, or contact our embassy".
Pig Face :"The People's Republic of China is now deporting you. Please take your bags and come with us."
Me :"What about the document?"
Pig Face :"The People's Republic of China is now deporting you. Please take your bags and come with us."

Lots of this. Some yelling. Even the odd argy-bargey. Eventually we grab our bags, and 3 hrs after coming in, head back out of China, having got just 20m short of the immigration exit door, where all our troubles would have been over. We wonder whether we are going to be allowed back into Vietnam, or whether we will be camping out on this bridge for a week.


And back again...

Pig Face talks about how welcoming of visitors China is. I mention that I would hate to see their definition of unwelcoming. We meet these troublesome Vietnamese officials, who within 10minutes have organised a re-entry visa for Vietnam for us free of charge. Meanwhile, they serve us tea. My previous images of North Vietnam as a bunch of officious, grumpy people, are replaced by an image of them being the nicest people on earth.

I ask Pig-face why they can do it so quickly, when the People's Republic of China, who made the mistake, cannot. Pig-face is now not talking to me.

The Vietnamese complete the final paperwork, and ex-Red Guard and Pig-Face stand to leave.
Me :"Could I have your names or ID numbers?"
Pig Face :"We do not carry badges."
Me :"I realise this, I think it is very suspicious, that is why I need your names."
Pig Face :"Why do you need our names?"
Me :"I want to make a complaint to your government about your refusal to let us contact our embassy, your disregard for the fact that your own officials are giving out incorrect information (apparently), your intimidating and threatening behaviour, your lying to us, and now for your refusal to give your names."
Pig Face :"The People's Republic of China does not recognise any International Law that we have to provide you with our identities."
Me :"There's a surprise".

They try to storm out. I block Pig Face (we're on Vietnamese territory now - he's just a tourist like me), who I am happy to notice is 1/2 a foot shorter than me. The Vietnamese get a bit worried that a stupid Westerner is going to get walloped, and clear a pathway for Pig Face to go out elsewhere.

We then sit down, have some more tea and bitch about Chinese officials. I think the Vietnamese and Chinese border officials do not get on. I can't imagine why.

Of course, this does not solve all our problems. We still have a bag in Kunming, so we have to return to China (unfortunately is our opinion at this stage). Not to worry - friendly Vietnamese tour operator explains several options to get a visa. We opt for him organising one this afternoon for us. It costs $89 each, versus $30 if we had been able to get a non-express one in Hanoi. We wonder why a Vietnamese guy can organise a Chinese visa so quickly when a Chinese Border Official cannot.

An afternoon sleeping and eating and reading in Loc Cai, now voted to be the most boring town in the world. No restaurants that have english menus or speakers, which is pretty rare in Vietnam. Most don't even seem to be open. Finally, about 4pm we get our visas, and head back through. Pig Face is there at Chinese immigration again. Damn, I was hoping he'd be off-shift. Happily, he runs away. They take an age with our visa's, but can't find anything to fault them, apart from the "e" in Marianne on the document looks like a "c", so that takes an hour to sort out (eventually, they cross the c, so it looks like an e..., pretty highpowered stuff). In the meantime, there is an amusing altercation between a tout and the Chinese tourist police. I hope a Border Guard will intervene and get punched.

And there we are. The final 20metres costs us $10/m to cross. Back in China. Swearing heavily at anything Chinese. Then, a random Chinese guy comes up, and shows us to the bus station. He translates for our ticket-buying. We talk to him. We offer him a drink, he declines, saying he must go. Our faith in the inate friendliness of the Chinese is promptly returned. Its just some of the officials that are pricks.

We're on the 8pm sleeper bus to Kunming, so we have some time to kill. We email friends to have a bitch session. I have a wander around town, and instantly feel nostalgic - little men on tricycles, shouts of "hello" and then giggling, cutesy nick-nacks, horrible fashion sense, huge bank-buildings, smelly toilets, passionate card-games on the pavement, red taxis, small chinese men on big Harley-type bikes, cell-phone shops everywhere.

Then I see a charming old lady taking a big deep hoik and spit a wad on the pavement, and I really know we're back in China.