Big Momma Does London

Trip Start Aug 09, 2009
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Trip End Oct 23, 2009


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Flag of United Kingdom  , England,
Saturday, September 19, 2009

I made a most spectactular find today on a 12 hour layover in London...the worlds tallest column.  Yes, the world's tallest column caught me by surprise in the middle of some office buildings.   It's called The Monument and was built between 1671 and 1677 believe it or not. I actually stood on top of something older than the US.   It is 202 feet tall which coincidentally is the distance between the column and where the Great Fire of London started in 1666.

A total of 311 winding steps to the top were calling my name so I paid my 3 pounds and was on my way upwards.    London today was exceptionally warm and humid with sunny 78 degree skies so you can imagine how hot that narrow staircase was.  And yes, true it is that many Europeans feel no particular need for shaving, bathing and most importantly deodorant.  Seriously, a continent that discovered the world can't discover a drugstore with tiny capsules of stink relief on its shelves? 

So we stepped onto the first step inside this body odour infused column and heard, "Oh Jesus, Yes Jesus.  Come on now Jesus.  Oh Jesus" echoing from above.  My curiosity was piqued and about thirty steps up there she was...an even more spectacular find than the column itself...a gigantic woman of size wearing a bright red velour warmup suit with a white baseball hat.  She looked like a big cinnamon tic tac sprawled out on one of the steps.

Ever see the movie Big Momma's House?  I am not kidding, this woman was a carbon copy of Big Momma in every way even down to the awful orange wig and plus size attitude.  Now these stairs are narrow, pie shaped and about as wide as one person and I should add very steep.  Big Momma crapped out with about 280 more to go and she was blocking progress for everyone else.  About thirty people were waiting to come down and about ten of us wanted up.  I am surprised the stench alone wasn't enough to fire Big Momma's ambition up. 

I guess her calls to Jesus were answered because with the encouragement of her friend (and presumably Jesus) she stood up, told everyone with a wave of her hand "Y'all need to get out my way now," and inched upward again.  So she wedged past the people coming down, held onto the wall for balance and made it seven more stairs before crapping out again with a thud and a lot of dramatic fanfare.  She began again with, "Oh Jesus, come on now Jesus.  Carry me upwards Lord Jesus."  Some guy told her to get her "fat f**king ass out of the way" and to which she just told him to "shut the hell up." 

People began doing gymnastics over her and I amazed no one got killed in that narrow space climbing over this plus size mountain of red velour.  We wedged past the narrow crack between her ass and the wall and finally made it to the top.  As we climbed upwards we could hear continuous calls to Jesus rising up to propel us higher.  I couldn't tell if she was having an orgasm or was in pain with those cries to the heavens.  The viewing deck is outside and thank God for dfresh air to cure our noses of that BO stench.  When we came back down after about twenty minutes Big Momma was at the entrance cursing the ticket lady out and bobbing her neck in all directions.  Evidently she was upset that they don't have an elevator for people with diabetes and she was "madder than hell" there was no refund. 

She was absolutely worth the sweat and five bucks to get to the top.  Thank you Big Momma for adding some laughter to my day.  I absolutely love a good spectacle and you delivered in a big way.
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