Conflicting Desires - Finding a Middle Way
Trip Start
Oct 19, 2006
1
6
39
Trip End
Ongoing
Seattle, United States
Thursday, October 26, 2006
What do I really want? I want to meet the right person and take another stab at having a relationship. I want intimacy. Around this relationship I'd like to build a stable home, a stable life and invest in people and our community. I want to be closer to my friends, family and associates. I want a soul mate. This is one of the big underlying desires running through my life. Doesn't it run through everyone's life? Don't we all want to love and be loved?
With that goal in mind, I am picking up stakes, leaving my friends, leaving my family, and leaving the country to go live in a monastery. I'm disrupting the relationships I have and separating myself from the community where I live and where there is likely the best chance of meeting someone to have a relationship with. This would seem almost like running away from the very thing I say I want most! Maybe it is? Oh my god, am I insane?
What was the title of this entry again? Oh yes, "Conflicting Desires - Finding a Middle Way". Good, that sounds like it is leading to some resolution of this contradiction! But first, an interesting side note. At first I wanted to run from this emotion. I didn't want to feel sadness, doubt or loneliness - maybe that's when I felt like I wanted to go out on the town? In any case. I didn't run. I let it wash over me and I tried to look at it and then it went away on its own. Then I remembered what I am doing and why it isn't a contradiction.
The thought was that its not happening for me here and there's no real benefit in keeping on doing what I've been doing. It is time for a change and if I embrace this change and go with it; If I follow my dreams and am happy with what I am doing, and if I loosen my ties to my home and habits a little bit then I will perhaps be more open and available for the miracle to happen. I saw the last person I dated maybe 6 times in 3 months because both of our schedules were so busy! No, that life wasn't working - better go live in a monastery instead!
With the meditation I'll be getting ever more in touch with myself and ever more prepared with more courage to allow myself to be vulnerable without giving myself away. I'll be tilling the soil and preparing myself to be a better partner. As for friends and family? They'll still be here when I get back. Everything is just as it should be. There is nothing to worry about at all.
Comments
Feelings....
Feelings are the first things we run from when we use, and the last things we want to get back in recovery. I have learned to embrace mine, and am grateful that the feeling I experience these days is appropriate to the circumstance that caused it. Think about it....Before, I felt anger and the urge to do something self destructive when my feelings got hurt. Now, when my feelings get hurt, I cry. I know what you meant here about wondering if you were insane. To me, getting the feeling issue in sync has taken a long time, but has proven to be the key to having satisfying relationships with you, the rest of our family and my friends. Water seeks its own level; I believe when we are right within ourselves, our soul mates will find us.
Feeling the Conflict
Wow. I'm feeling such a strong reaction to this entry - I know you wrote it months ago, but I really can feel the changes you're describing, and am eager to read the next entry, to know you're working through the change and see where you go next (physically and internally). So lovely to be on this trip with you, so to speak. Thank you for being so generous in sharing this!